2009 in Review
Wow, what a year! I understand I have one more day left in the year, but who knows what tomorrow will bring, I figured I'd finish the year out now!!! As in 5:17am on Dec. 30th! I start my days early now... really early! Just like it did with Lily, sleep doesn't come easily for me this pregnancy. But I have come to enjoy the early (EARLY...sometimes 2 or 3am) times of quietness.
Ruby is scheduled to arrive on January 4th. And although her actual birthday will fall in 2010, I have to say the theme to 2009 for me is RUBY! Its been quite the ride for me, and it has all kinda revolved around getting Ruby.
Starting the year off, Dave and I had made no real resolutions (other than the normal, lose weight... which we purchased a bike and wii fit to aid us!) but we had made a mutual decision that we wanted a baby in 2009. And right away, realized we were pregnant. I will never forget taking that test at midnight (maybe it was 10:30) and laughing with such delight! I was SO excited! October was going to bring us a new baby! For two months all I thought about was this baby that was coming. I enjoyed the idea of being pregnant even though a majority of the time (just like with the first two pregnancies) I did not feel pregnant. Then I remember in March telling Dave I had a bad feeling and could I really call the dr based on a bad feeling? However, that bad feeling was my body telling me that the baby wasn't ganna make it. And we found out by the end of March that the baby had passed a few weeks earlier. I faced a decision then. I could mourn and blame, and protest, and throw a fit... or I could CHOOSE to trust in God. choose to believe that HE was in charge of this life I was given (and the life of the baby) and if I was going to say I lived for Him, I needed to do so in the midst of my heartache. And although it was a very tough time for me, I learned something VERY useful and wonderful that will always stay with me. God is a graceful god. A God that WANTS whats best for me, even if that means he has to allow a bit of pain to my current situation. He desires whats best... and for whatever reason that baby (who I named Julianne Rose) was not the best for us, and I have to trust Him andbe okay with that!
Shortly... VERY shortly after, I realized I was pregnant again. And this time, I'd had a great time with God before finding out and was confident that God would allow me to hold this baby. My connection was SO strong from the very beginning. Not that it hasn't been with the other kids, but it is VERY different. Its like I'd speak to her in my mind, and she'd respond... I know seems strange. But I asked for morning sickness... how odd is that! And She gave it to me! hehe. If I hadn't felt her move in a bit I'd just have to sit back and kinda telepathically tell her to move...and boom, she'd give me a good kick in the ribs. And although I know those things come from God, I believe he is creating a bond between us through these little quirky things.
The year has gone by VERY slowly... yet kinda quickly as well. My kids are growing so fast, and going through two first trimesters (with the last one pretty hard on me) and a non energetic 2nd trimester, and now a VERY painful 3rd trimester, I have to say that 2009 hasn't been the BEST year for anyone in this house. Dave's had frustrations from work that he's never faced before. The kids are getting older, picking up on the stress, and figuring out how to cope with it as well.
But there is so much to be greatful for within their lives as well. I feel like 2009 was a year of learning and growing for them. They both have bloosomed in homeschool, and are growing up to be very fun and smart kids. I know they are only 3 &4 years old... but a momma knows!
So back to my THEME... Ruby... not just a name, but what she represents. When times were rough, and honestly there were lots of rough times, emotionally, stressfully, physically... There was a jewel growing within me... not just in my belly, but in my heart. God really began to design a gem in my heart. Allowing me to persevere, and see His works even in the midst of trials, frustrations, and even heartbreak. And Grace. whew! What a year of grace! He saw my pain, greived with me, and comforted me in a way that no one else could ever do. He reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me! That He is ALL I need! So, Ruby Grace will bring in the new year for us, and I can't wait to see all the things that come along with her, and the new year.
Zech and Lily are SO excited to meet her. I can't wait to hold her, smell her, kiss her, thank her!
But even outside the realm of motherhood, I believe 2010 will bring about some changes that Dave and I will be very excited about. And I look forward to every moment... and I mean EVERY moment. I don't want to miss a thing, God!

23days???
Am I reading my little ticker right? 23 days... when I should be scheduled for 7 days earlier than that... that means SIXTEEN DAYS!!! Oh, my, with Christmas and new years nestled in those 16 (SIXTEEN) days I think Ruby will be here before I know it! I can not wait! The back pain and leg pain, and hip pain, and contraction pain hasn't gotten any better, however, I am handling it! I know that God knows this baby girl's birthday and I trust it will be the right one.
Soon and very soon! I can't wait to meet her!!!

Wailing into Dancing...

Psalms 30:11-12 says "You turn my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."

This is one of the scriptures that I posted up on my wall when I miscarried in March. I had decided that I may not be able to get through that difficult time in my life if I was not surrounded by God's promises that "life does go on". So I put similar verses all over my house. I've taken some down, but some still remain up. This is one of them.

This morning I had the priveledge of sleeping all the way until 3:45am! (2 nights ago I got up at 3, and last night I was up at 1). I am just SO uncomfortable. My legs are restless/itchy/achey. My back is in sharp pain, and my hips hate me! I dread bedtime each night. And, unfortunately, it then affects the rest of my day as I strive to just stay awake and functioning (but hopefully I will be ready for night time feedings this way, right?)

So, this morning I was finishing up a Bible Study, in which I am studying the book of Esther. In this part of my study I was asked to revisit the part of the story when the first law was put into motion by the wicked Haman. Where all the Jews hear about their upcoming doom. There were 4 emotions/actions taken by the Jewish nation of the time... (Esther 4:3)
Great Mourning, Fasting, Weeping, Wailing....
Yep that is about it, thats what I did when I miscarried. I was in such a pit! I mourned by staying silent, I couldn't eat, I weeped secretly, I WAILED at times. I was So hurt, so wounded, so saddened. It was such a sad moment in my life. Not only was I going through actual physical hormonal changes that occur when you were pregnant, and are no longer, but I also had emotional changes. I went over it over and over thinking the drs were wrong and the baby was still alive. I couldn't fathom not having that baby come October!
But I became pregnant again very quickly. (D&C on March 27th, positive pregnancy test on May 1st)

In the story of Esther, Esther goes to the king, finds favor with him and he allows her to write another edict that will allow her people to live. And when the Jews received that edict (Esther 8:16) they had 4 new emotions:
Happiness, Joy, Gladness, and HONOR!
All the things I felt as I learned that new life was within my belly again. I was nervous at the begining. Worried I would face another demise, and relive it all over again. But it wasn't long that I realized that God was still in control,and had been telling me for a month now that he would grant my requests. It was definately a lesson in trust. And now even more than ever I realize the HONOR behind getting to carry this healthy baby! To be the womb that nurtures it. What an honor we mom's have. So I choose to be happy, have joy, be glad, and feel that honor even if I never get to sleep past 2am again! hehe!

Back pains will go away, hip discomfort will only last a "moment" but the honor of being this baby's momma will stay with me for eternity! And I am SO very blessed to be able to feel those feelings of happiness, joy, gladness, and honor after feeling the "other" bad feelings. I am just so very blessed to have Ruby as my own, to care for her, to nurture her. What an honor! Thanks, God for finding me worthy enough!

My First Time

Before you stop reading and think what most think when you say "My first time" just remember the title of this blog... MOTHERHOOD! Its not what you think!
Here I am 50ish days from having my 3rd baby, and I feel ecstatic about her arrival. I feel like a little kid that just can't wait for Christmas (which ironically is about the time Ruby will arrive). She is my rainbow baby! I look forward to seeing what has been growing and moving and stealing my heart for the past 7 months! Because I thought she was a boy from the first time I ever dreamed the 3rd child up in my mind, I am stuck as to who she might be. I think I am in for a big surprise, and I CAN'T WAIT!
All this has caused me to reminisce about my FIRST TIME becoming a mother. There was nothing like it. Recently my sister-in-law became a mother for the first time. We waited in the waiting room until the baby was born, and got to see some of her first moments as a mother. There is a saying that says "When a baby is born, so is a mother" and it was such a great day that flooded memories of when I first became a mother. You carry this child for 9 months, you talk to it "Hi, baby, its me MOMMY" but it isn't until that baby comes out, cries and is held in your arms that you become a MOMMY! Your life is totally changed. And I have never loved change more than at that moment.
My eyes swelled with tears, and my chest with pride as I could honestly pronounce that I had become a Mommy! This was MY baby! I grew it, I birthed it, I get to keep it! Then the huge pressure hits... UH! I am A MOMMY!!! How do I hold this tiny thing? (which who are we joking mine are never tiny). How do I FEED this baby? How do I calm this baby? And as stressful as it can be, its still YOURS. And there is something so overcoming about calming him, and feeding him, providing safety for him. And knowing God has trusted you enough to parent him!
With my first things were not easy those first few days. he went over 18 hours refusing to eat. He cried so hard he lost his voice. We did not sleep, he did not sleep. Dave and I both cried a lot. But it never crossed my mind that it wasn't the most glorious couple of days of my life. There is this fear of not being able to do it, then there's a supernatural confidence that tells you "I am a MOM! I can do anything!" We eventually made some decisions that were very hard for me to make (I chose to bottle feed him, *gasp*) and all was good. He just needed to eat, and I guess he chose to eat from a bottle! And life was good again. And I remember thinking that it was the epitome of motherhood. Casting your own desires (for me to nurse) aside for the good of your kids (for him to EAT!). And it felt good to be selfless. It felt empowering to provide ANY way I could for my son! to cuddle him, to snuggle him, to love him... unconditionally.
I watched my sister in law as she held her fragile daughter in her arms and wanted so hard to comfort this crying baby, and I remembered instantly the feeling of becoming a mother. The hardest thing you'll ever LOVE doing (and will venture out to do it time and time... and maybe even time again!). "R" held her tiny baby in her arms and even though she felt she couldn't do it, she instantly calmed that baby! She did what she felt right and that baby felt secure, safe in her momma's arms. There is NOTHING better! No better feeling than becoming a MOM, Mother, Mommy, mamma... lets just say it "SUPERWOMAN!!!"
And although the children that come afterwards are very special in their own little way. And your heart grows with each one, never lacking in love for any of them. There is nothing like your FIRST TIME! When you stopped being YOU, and became MOM for them! Totally and completely amazing! (*** For the record, I am sobbing on the other end of this keyboard... completely sobbing! hehe***)

Emotional Lately??
This pregnancy is so different than the previous ones. And one of the major things that is "VERY NOTICABLE" is how emotional I am. There are days I just want to cry, don't really have a reason to, nor am I sad, or feeling down in the least little bit. However I just wanted to cry, and it won't take much to get me there. For a quick instance, watching the dad hug his daughter after she threw his one and only foul ball caught in the stands, back... that really got me! And for a good 36 hours after hearing the Green team woman from Biggest Loser's story about losing her family I was an emotional wreck!
But what I'd like to focus on here is what I cried about this last Wednesday Night. I take Zech to Cubbies on Wednesday nights. Each week Lily asks to go to. She wants to be a cubby so bad. So when it started up this year I learned there was a class for her age too. Puggles. I checked it out the first night, then came home discussed it with Dave and decided to let her go. Wednesday she got dressed with such delight, talking all the way about going to cubbies, and how much fun she would have. I reminded her that I was not staying but that I'd come back for her. She would frequently repeat the promise that I'd come back, but was confident in her excitement to go. I drop her off, she quickly says "Bye, Mommy!" and goes to play. No need to hug and kiss and prolong it. She knows I will come back. So I leave. My long walk back to my car I am reciting to myself "Don't cry! Don't cry!" I mean, seriously she's going to be there for 90 min. She isn't being raised by someone else, she isn't going EVERY DAY, she will come back to me!!! But as soon as I get in my van I burst into tears. WHY AM I CRYING??? The anxiety was just building up. my kids need this. My kids grow because of this. They may not NEED the spiritual training. That is something they get from us, and from our teachings at church. But they love the separation, the friends, and the independence. They need this to give them more confidence. So I know its a good thing and by staying and hovering, they won't get what they need to get from it. But it really filled me with such anxiety. I am not one of those moms that can't wait to get rid of my kids. I admit that I wouldn't mind time away from them from time to time. But mostly I enjoy being with them, teaching them, and watching over them. This is a dream job for me! And its hard to see them venture out without me. Rewarding to know that they are maturing into well rounded kids, able to socialize away from me, but hard to let them go. And this is such a little letting go... Oh, I hope its just pregnancy hormones!

So much. Brain swelling. mind racing.

Is it possible to have "nesting" but only among thoughts and "planning". I still don't have my 100% energy back, so there is no massive cleaning and organizing going on within the house (although every morning laying in bed my mind is delighting in how nice it would be... the body reminds me NO! when I get up!) But I've been really wanting to make some changes lately. More organized, more frugal, a better mom! I think there is something to being pregnant for a year (well, at this point since January) that changes a person. I didn't feel it with the older two. I felt like pregnancy with them was just something added to my life, it didn't slow me down, nor did it change my habits. However this time around (added with the last one) I am dragging every day. So, I am hoping this kick-start will change routines for us!
Pre-K starts in our home next week. I have new curriculum, the first month's lesson plans and worksheets are printed, labeled, and organized for each days use! I have a todo list, and a check list for purchases! I feel great. I pray it continues each month. I still have the classroom to tidy up and organize and switch around a bit for the "new year". But I am getting excited and a bit nervous as well. (maybe one of these days I will blog about my homeschooling philosophy... it differs from MOST I've met that homeschool... and that makes me feel a bit on the "outside"... but that's another blog!)
I have also begun to clip coupons, check the save big money blogs, and am dedicated to make some money for my family through massive savings! I am getting really excited, and then bummed that until I start getting the Sunday paper I can't save as much. I am organizing each coupon along with post-it notes telling me where to spend it, which store coupon to pair it with, and how to get most things FREE or for less than a quarter. This new adventure is going to take up more time, so that means I have to organize this time of mine even more. Its like I've picked up a few part-time jobs. 4 hrs of teaching a week, plus 2-3 hours finding fugal finds each week plus the added time shopping at the multiple stores. However, I save a preschool tuition bill, and so far without much searching I saved us $100 this month in groceries... so i am making my family money! And its kinda a fun job!
And here I am talking about this organization I am doing in my MIND but when it comes out in the blog I seem so disheveled! hehe! I guess its just what stays inside there that seems organized! I'll get better! (hey, I am just pleased that when I spell checked the word disheveled was spelled correctly... GO ME!)

Meet Ruby Grace

Although she won't be in our arms until late December/early January, we got to see what she kinda looks like! She looks just like Lily if we go by these pictures!
She was curled into such a ball (knees up to her ears) that the tech could barely measure her. But thankfully, I drank a tad of Mountain dew before going in to try to get her moving... it worked. She was adorable!
We thought she was a boy since we knew we were pregnant. We were wrong. And thats fine with us. I love the idea of saying "The girls". I was always one of "The girls" growing up, so I am happy that Lily and Ruby have a sister!
Right now she is "transverse" laying side to side which explains the pain on one side (its her head!!!) But I am smiling big, and thinking about all I can shop for! YAY for girlies!

The terrible Twos, the silly boy, and the thump thump thump!

So, lets get the negative out of the way. My poor sweet well behaved two year old is... well... how do I put this... TWO! I mean, she's been two for over 8 months now, but now you can really tell she's two. I thought maybe perhaps this curse of the twos would pass her up, but no, she's caught the bug, that horrible, nasty, terrible two bug! But I have to admit, I spend more time laughing at her than I did when we went through this the first time with the boy. She is nothing in comparison to what I went through the first time. Zech was so "fun". So fun that I found my self sitting on the front porch crying almost on a weekly basis. Trying to calm down before I flew off the handle. This time I am "seasoned", I am calm, I am humored. She wails and screeches, and even tries to hit me... where did this little girl come from? She's such a sweet precious spirit, I don't know this "ugly twin". But I laugh right through it reminding her that she has a long ways to go to push me out on that porch. So as I held her down in time-out, I remember holding Zech's door shut as I tried to feed poor lily about 2 years ago. And how the time was so stressful. I wasn't getting much sleep due to having a 3 mo old, and then when I was awake I was dealing with a strong willed 2 year old. And how now, as I readjust myself so I can hold her down without hurting her, or letting her hurt me I realize how different it is. I have a 4 year old who is laughing hysterically at his rage induced sister (which is probably why its hard for me not to laugh) and a baby growing within... I then realize I get to do this all over again in about 2-2.5 years! YAY! But as it seems its getting easier and easier, maybe next time the plague of the twos will pass right by us! MAYBE??

Zech is so funny these days. His personality always gets stronger when he's around all his cousins. We just got home from a visit with my sister and her kids along with my brother's little girl and at times various other children. My mom's living room at one point had 7 little ones under the age of 5. And there's Zech being the police patrol. Making sure no one takes toys from anyone else, and if they did he was right there to snatch it back and give it to its proper owner. He kept babies off the stairs, and dealt with behavior issues from his cousins. So funny, but a bit tiring. More and more of my personality coming out. I remember the days of feeling like no one followed the rules and how frustrated it made me! I could see the frustration in his face. And today as he guarded the trash can so Lily didn't throw a bowl away, he began the two year old fit... then laughed at it... He's so so so funny! or should I put quotes around it "funny!" Believe me, it is more funny than it sounds. And didn't I always say I liked chaos! maybe not THIS kind of chaos, but the good kind. Right?

Oh, and on to child #3... What a delight he is! I know I know I don't know (read that again, it sounds funny) that its really a BOY, but I am really really sure... as sure as I can be... watch, I'll be wrong (and if I am, I will say "I knew I was wrong all along!" hehe). I've felt the little flutters for a couple of weeks now, but recently I've felt that thump thump thump of kicks and jabs and overall movement and it brightens my day. I love it! Its my very favorite part of pregnancy. It does seem that this one is VERY VERY active. I mean, i am 16 weeks and already noticing a lot of activity. I'd assume you'd need to be active with those other two as siblings.
My belly grew even more. I got a new shirt from my mom and wore it last wednesday for the first time, then wore it again on Sunday (hey, don't judge me, I am limited on clothing!) and I called out to Dave that I thought I'd grown since wearing the shirt the first time. He came in and gasped "I'd say so! Man, your going to outgrow everything!" I am glad I love my husband, or I would have drop kicked him! hehe So, when I get my battery charger for my camera I will take a 4 month pic and post it... My former youth pastor said to me on Sunday "So, your due pretty soon, October, right?" I laughed and said "nope, not until January! I just look like I am 7 m preggers!" hehe! I don't mind. It doesn't offend me! I have big babies, and big bellies with them all! I love it! LOVE IT!

The power of encouragement!
Yesterday we went to a friend's pool to chill out (and I mean CHILL! it was 73degrees out!!). It was just me and Dave and the kids. I put arm floaties on Zech and tried to see if he'd get in the water and try swimming. He was terrified and stayed on the stairs. I eventually just pulled him out to the water to show him how the arm floaties would hold him up. It kinda scared him, but we tried to make sure he felt secure in the water floating him back and forth between me and daddy. Then we gave him a noodle and completely let go. He was VERY scared until we started shouting "you are so brave, you are such a great swimmer, Look how great your doing!" His demanor completely changed, his sholders stiffened with new confidence and he began to swim, and swim and swim. He went from one side of the pool to the other with ease, asking Daddy to back up, and not touch him. He got faster and faster. He gained more and more confidence as we shouted more and more encouragement. We were telling him that he was a new ninja warrior champion (from a show he watches) and he would swim even faster. i couldn't believe how fast he learned! But it goes to show how easily things can be accomplished if we were to just encourage one another.
Lily, too, found an innertube and clung to it and set off to floating. She didn't need our hands holding her up, she was reminded how proud we were of her, how brave we thought she was, and what a big girl she was, and that gave her the confidence to have that freedom in the water.
Just imagine who else we can set free with our encouraging words?

What should I eat, NOW?

I think I am beginning to transition from feeling nauseous all the time to feeling hungry all the time! I still feel sick about 2-3 hours total all day, so thats not as bad as before, but I feel famished all the time. I have nothing really to snack on, and I don't want to start gaining a bunch of weight just yet (I tend to do that a lot at the end... and this time the end means Thanksgiving and Christmas) so I want to watch it this early on. I eat, I just keep it to healthier things (minus that snickers bar calling my name for snack today!!!)
The baby has fingerprints now! Its forming into its very own person. I am DIEING To know what this little one's name will be. Dave decided against Ruby Anna. I told him I loved Ruby too much that he could change her middle name. He chose Ruby Grace, and I like it even better! So I try to picture this little Ruby (I do so with really red hair though) and I imagine my little Nate too, and he's just as cute. So I guess I don't care, not that any of my kids have come out looking like what I expected!
This little one is about 3inches so far, the size of a medium shrimp! I however am as big as 600 medium shrimp... you may not believe me that I look 5 mo pregnant at 13 weeks, so I took a picture...

See, isn't that big! I am a bit concerned. More so than with the other two when I was bigger. I was NEVER this big... I am pretty sure there are multiples in there, but I have to trust the 4 Ultrasounds we've had so far and assume they didn't miss the extra baby. Its just the strangest thing!

I am feeling the baby moving. He must wake up when the older ones to go bed... or thats when I settle down, but its mainly in one spot and it tickles and makes me VERY happy! I felt it at 14 weeks with both the others, so I am pretty sure thats what it is.

So, here's the latests week preggo post!

Blasts from the Past!

Yesterday we drove more than normal, so I listen to K-Love for more time than normal. However I am convinced God was orchestrating the music! All the songs were worship songs from my teen years.

• Shout to the Lord
• Heaven to Earth
• Know you More
• Holy Love
• & more

It took me back to a spot in my spiritual life that I enjoyed immensely! I could enter into worship with such ease. I heard God's voice on a regular basis, I woke up praying, went to bed praying, and read the Bible many times throughout the day. (finished the entire thing in a year 2 years in a row). My witness was strong, and my verbal testimony occurred easily and often. I could speak to my friends in high school about God on a regular and real way. I had friends (unsaved friends) that would come to me for prayer, or counsel on a weekly basis. I was not seen as a hypocrite, I was not made fun of, i was respected for my beliefs and felt like it was the highlight of my spiritual walk.

I am not saying that my relationship is wavering, or that I don't wake up and go to bed in prayer. But it doesn't seem the same. I feel like my relationship with God is much more mature, and very solid. Its not as much "work" (used that word because I couldn't think of another one). But I miss the passion! I miss the worship experience, I miss the evangelism, the carefree bliss of that time of my life (spiritually speaking). I've grown cynical, frustrated, worrisome. I can't blame the ministry. I want to sometimes. When we know so much about things from a pastoral view things tend to get bogged down... but I CAN NOT blame the Ministry. I can't blame the world we live in. When sin prevails throughout our world, and within our leaders, its sad that spirituality no longer means a relationship with Christ... but I CAN NOT blame the culture. I can't blame my friends. When I was young I was surrounded my like minded Christian friends. My youth group ROCKED, my youth pastor had passion and vision. I had friends to hold me up, to support my walk, now I do not have those friends surrounding me anymore... but I CAN NOT blame my friends. So... WHO can I blame? My age, my experiences, my life? Nope... just plain ole me! I love my relationship with God. I love to listen to my music and sing to him daily, I love outreach (even though I tend to get upset more than I need to), I love the instant connect I have with God right now in my life... but I need to keep my focus on HIM! My passion focused on HIS passion. And serve Him for Him! I still miss those times in my life, but realize I have THIS time in my life to serve Him and be passionate about Him. And all that depends on me. I have nothing else to blame, or pin it on... its between me and God. I look forward to see what He's going to do in me in the coming months!

Its official! I am FINALLY out of the 1st trimester! I've been in this dreaded 1st trimester since January. With only a technical week between the two pregnancies, I've had low energy now for 6 months! I wasn't as sick the first 10 weeks, but with the 2nd pregnancy I've been sick now for a little over 8 weeks! I am ready for it to be past. I am looking forward to feeling those little flutters and kicks! I really look forward to Zech and Lily getting to feel it. Zech is really excited and has been dreaming about this ever growing baby inside me.

My tummy is getting big fast! I am hoping it tapers off for a bit. I have outgrown most of my pants. I have one maternity pair of jeans, and I bought two pair of gaucho pants to accommodate the bigger belly. I hope that will hold me until I get to the fall and can wear jeans and pants. Then I can justify spending money on the pants.

I am beginning to feel better and have more energy, but I am stuck in the middle of no nap needed and "oh now I over did it" stage. Then I crash about 8pm!

The baby is the size of a lemon now, my uterus is supposedly the size of a softball. I am thinking more like a soccer ball! hehe... not quite!

The baby is beginning to practice swallowing (you don't want to know what it swallows!), and its eye lids are gaining muscle strength so they can open and close later. The most exciting thing is that the brain is developing very rapidly. synapses are forming vigorously making him so smart!

I am still in awe of this little one! so happy to have him in there (or her in there) and so blessed to get to carry this one! Thank you, GOD!

It just melts my heart!

So at 11 weeks my little blessing baby has all its organs! They may not function completely on their own (thats why he needs me!) but they are all present. My rocket scientist baby is practicing opening and closing its fists this week too. Those little fingers and toes are REAL fingers and toes, no more webbed, amphibian type fingers and toes!
This week is the biggest growth spurt my baby will every go through. It will over double in size and will begin to add more and more functions daily! I feel a nap coming on! This is an important week! The baby has made it past the crucial times and will now focus on perfecting each bodily function!
I look at this picture, and melt. I feel so SO pregnant all the time! And I talk to him (or her, I guess) all the time. I rub my belly and remind him that he's such a wonderful gift from God, That I love him tremendously, and that he has this mighty plan already for his life! That God has a purpose and desire to see him grow and develop! And I weep thinking of how people can decide even at this stage to abort their babies! I think about how many "scientists" if they found some organism in a lake that had every organ we adults have, could move independently, and had measurable brain waves, would they not do everything they could to protect this newly found "LIFE"? Yet we have these babies with souls and heartbeats, livers, pancreases, neurons... the list goes on... and so many that discard them for "convenience" sake. It breaks my heart!
This will probably be our last pregnancy, and although I am sick about 60% of the time, and tired the rest of the time, I cherish the opportunity to carry this baby! I am thankful to my God for the gift of this awesome life within me! One more week and I will FINALLY be out of the 1st trimester!

We already have names! If I didn't mention them last time, here they are... (if I did, oh well, you can see them again!)
Nathanael Paul (Call him Nate) Nathanael means Gift from God... and there is no doubt that this baby is a true gift to us! Paul is Daddy's middle name! If my sons can be half of what their daddy is, they will be completely awesome boys! (Zech has Dave's first name!)
OR...
Ruby Anna. Ruby is a gorgeous red jewel. Very precious, very gorgeous... just as I assume this little girl would be. Anna means Grace; favor... and its been obvious to me throughout this pregnancy that God has shown favor upon me! His grace is sufficient!

Oh Baby!

So, its been a fun year... hehe! Not completely, but its been 6 months now that we've been in 2009, and as I blogged about before, a rollercoaster ride is all I can compare it to. In January we found out we were pregnant. I was so overjoyed. Then in March we found out we lost the baby, I was so overwhelmed with sadness. Then in the end of April we found out we were pregnant AGAIN! This is the part of the rollercoaster where you are smiling with tears of fear streaming down your face.
I had been charting my Basal Body Temp since the D&C March 27th. I wanted to see if I could figure out my cycles. I had no clue what to expect after a pregnancy loss, and a d&c. So I got up everyday and took my temp and recorded it on really cool site I found.
Around mid april I went to the drs office for a UTI and asked the dr to take a pregnancy test before they prescribed me anything. The dr said the test was negative and explained that I would probably ovulate late because of the recent events. So I had some left over ovulation kits from back in Dec/Jan and tried those. They were indicating that the date was approaching, however i ran out of tests. I didn't buy more thinking that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be pregnant right away anyway. So I was just continuing to chart my temps. Then one day the website says that I had ovulated the day before. I was a bit bummed at the idea that we had missed it, but thought "Oh well, this is in God's hands, and He knows if I can handle it right away" So I continued to chart to see if I could determine with the end of the cycle would be.

Well, the temps kept rising, and next thing I know the website is telling me that my temps are showing signs of pregnancy. I showed Dave, asked him what he thought. He just brushed it off. Then I started feeling sick. I counted the days, and was only about 8 days past when I supposedly ovulated... but I was definately sick. So I waited 2 more days and thought "well, maybe I can wait until monday (it was friday)." I was cleaning under Lily's bed when I had horrible side pains. I'd felt those before, so I looked and lo and behold I still had a pregnancy test under the sink. I took it about noon, and it instantly came up... POSITIVE! I literally fell to my knees and cried... and cried... and cried! I kept saying "thank you God, now keep it healthy!"
I called dave and told him he needed to be praying for me. He asks why and I tell him I took the left over pregnancy test. He immediately assumes I am upset that I took a test to find out its negative. He says "Why did you do that!?" I then tell him that I was pregnant. And of course I begin to cry!
I call my dr, he has me get my hcg levels checked until they reach 2800 and I am far enough along for an ultrasound.
I get my first Ultrasound! I go in and the tech asks my Last Menstral Period... I tell her that technically is was in January, but I informed her of the D&C. I tell her that I'd plotted my temps and know when I ovulated so we could date the pregnancy by that date... yeah, they don't do that! So she puts on the screen that I SHOULD be 6w4d. But I kept in my mind that I am probably 5w2d. She informs me that the baby is very small, and that I am not measuring 6w4d. So I say "Am I measuring around 5w2d?" She says very enthusiastically, "Yes! You are measuring 5w1d!" Then she knows that I am just REALLY early. She thought she detected some fluttering, so she has me hold my breath and try to keep as still as possible. It was completely amazing! As soon as my body was still its like the tiny dot on the screen had another even smaller dot inside that had the tiniest of flutter. I about DIED! I was so happy. The tech said she had never seen a heartbeat this early before. She raved about the new equipment and how wonderful it was, and how she's been there so long, and was so blessed to get to see that tiny little flutter (too small to even measure!) I responded with "Yeah, God just wanted to bless my socks off today! That was ALL for ME!"

I cried all the way to get the kids

About a week later, I woke up about 4 am and discovered that I had been bleeding. I was terrified. I woke Dave up, had him pray for me, then headed to the Living room to discuss this with God. I just told him flat out that I was VERY confused, that I thought for sure that I had heard him correctly, and felt very confident that He was going to give me this baby to have, to hold, to nurture. I didn't feel like I was losing faith in GOD, but in myself. Did I really hear him? Why was I so positive and felt so blessed only to have this baby die too. I was so upset. I ended up going to the ER and asking them to just look and tell me if it was all over. The dr looked and saw no blood, said the cervix was closed, so they had me go down for an Ultrasound. I got the same girl from before. She explained at the very beginning that she could not show me anything on the screen because I had come through the ER. I tried not to crane my neck to see, I tried not to look at her face, I just prayed. Then she turned the screen towards me, and said... "See that strong heartbeat?" I lost it. I cried and praised God so hard. I had to stop and sit still so she could finish the ultrasound. I was just so relieved. My baby was measuring perfectly, to the day, and had a very strong heartbeat.

I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma, where the baby's sack separates from the Uteran Wall. It causes bleeds in the uterus, which, duh, come out... but the baby is fine! I was put on bedrest, and other restrictions. I was still very scared. I felt so out of control with fear! If I bled, I couldn't stay calm. If I felt better that day, I'd freak out. I was not myself. then I heard a song saying that God is my healer, he will calm my fears, and my raging seas... I needed it so bad that day. I needed to give things over to God. I needed to let him carry those burdens. I couldn't do anything to help myself. I needed His healing.

Since then, I've had 2 more Ultrasounds, all look positive, all have great heartbeats, and the most recent one revealed that the hematoma is perfectly fine. My dr raised our success rate to 95-98%! The same as 2nd and 3rd trimester patients!
This baby is doing fine! I am about 10 weeks, and already showing. I am sick sick sick... which is weird since I never had that with any other pregnancy. However at the very beginning, way before I even found out, I asked God to give me a small sign that everything was okay, something that would remind me daily that baby was there and growing! And he blessed me with lots and lots of nausea!
So, I feel like I've gotten to the part in the rollercoaster where I can start to enjoy it. I can let go, raise my hands and let out a "HALLELUJAH!" I am sure there will be more scary parts to this year, but I've already learned that the belt is fastened tight, I am secure, and to sit back and enjoy the ride!

Oh yeah, the due date is Jan 11, 2010!

Keep your eyes open, arms up or the roller coaster isn't as fun!

This week has been a pure rollercoaster ride. And not one of those that you WANT to be on. There is a lot of fretting, more worrying, and even more trying to have fun on this ride. I am praying its like a real coaster that lasts such a short while! I appologize in advance for my "vague-ness". Until I get more information, I want to keep my prognosis to myself (and my family, of course). Last week I found myself in the ER , the diagnosis doesn't seem "That serious" but has the potential to become a huge issue. So I have some restrictions put on me, I can not lift my children, need to keep my feet up, and stay calm. HA! So although I am praying that I have a mild case that will heal before my next check up, I am battling the "What if it gets worse" thoughts on a regular basis. I trust my Lord, so I rely on His words, and pray for His healing...

Whats bothering me the most is my lack of energy, and the fact that I can't carry my children. Not to bed, not to the car. Not in playtime, nor when they are hurting. It is so important for me to get a good report at my next appointment that I am being very good at obeying. However, its breaking my heart. When Lily needs me, she usually needs to be carried around. Its breaking my heart not to carry her to bed, not to stand and sway with her when she's upset. I can see her behavior changing. I am pulling her to my lap anytime I can, but I know she knows the difference.

Today I look at my house and think, "I've got to pull my energy and get this house clean... the STEVIE-WAY clean!" I can do a little here, and a little there... then I decided to lay down. Lily comes up and asks to become a baby burrito (she likes to be swaddled in her blankie). So I wrap her and pull her to the couch with me. She lays there and lays there, and lays there. I lay there looking at all the school that needs to be finished before the summer, the clothes that need to be put away, the house that needs to be cleaned but close my eyes rub her back and relax a minute to just be mommy to my baby burrito! There was no stress. No thinking of what the dr could say at the next appt. No worrying about the next "drop" in this ride, not questioning if I was doing enough to stay healthy... just cuddling, just being mom, just loving on my daughter! And the thrill of this ride overcame me!

Invisible Playthings

My kids have quite the imagination! They have these invisible play things. Sometimes its a baby, sometimes its an alligator, sometimes its "The Wild". It drives me nuts. One will have this "plaything" and the other will take it away, then the first child screams and cries because the other "took it away!" I try to convince them that they can manufacture another INVISIBLE-NON-EXISTENT toy, but it doesn't work that way!
Today, I snapped. I took their invisible toys away! I snatched those baby alligator wild things right out of their little hands and "THREW THEM AWAY" (which was really just behind me in that IMAGINARY trash can). Zech gives me this tiny smirk showing me that he completely understands that this is just a silly game... however, that also means he "steals" hers just to get her to scream and cry! Lily however is DEVASTATED! She is acting the same way she would if I went in her room with a trash bag and threw away her most favorite toys. It broke my heart.
So I explained to them that we don't take things away, and that we need to respect each other's toys (imaginary or not!) And then we dug it out of the "trash" so she could play with her... whatever-it-was-this-time toy. All was good in the Ciske home... then I looked up and noticed Dave staring at me. He's probably wondering "What in the world?" HA, the dramas of the invisible are still my problem!

Some recent Kidisms...
Keeping in mind Zech is 4, Lily is 2 (going on 13)

Zech: He picks up the Cheez it box and asks me what they are (we don't normally get them, but they were on sale). I say "Those are Cheez its" Zech replies, "Oh, I didn't know they could put Jesus in a box". We now know how they get their cheesiness... Jesus can do all things! hehe!

Lily: Her new pants were sagging big time. I had asked her to pull her shirt up so I could see if they were sagging in the front, she didn't understand so I rephrased and said "Let me see your belly". She raises her shirt up and I see what I want and say "yep, they are falling off." She shrieks in horror "My BELLY IS FALLING OFF?! MY BELLY IS FALLING OFF?!"

Lily: After making some homemade bread with her mommy says "This bread is Crackilackin!" (From Madegascar)

Zech: He is giving me the synopsis of Wall E (as if I haven't seen it 8 million times). He says "Beware, NO Robots". I say, "ya know, I think they said Rogue Robots" He looks at me like I am a complete idiot and says "Why would they say Rogue? That is not even a word!" I have since tried to explain to him what Rogue means, he hasn't given in!

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE! If only I had hours to sit and write them... I remember them though, and will be making a book soon! hehe!

Julianne Rose
I usually have my ears open for just the right name. I even think about it when I am not pregnant. And since having Lily, I have thought of girls names more frequently. Lilian Jewel was the best name in the world at the time, and it meant so much to me. So to come up with another girl name was agonizing for me (as you may have read in earlier posts). However, when I found out I was pregnant I literally could not sleep as I had to come up with the perfect name. Dave was convinced that it was a boy so he would say "Name her whatever you want" then roll over and fall asleep. I'd be awake, then wake up only hours later with it still on my mind.
At one point in that short lived pregnancy I tried to stop obsessing over it. I thought "I have a long time before I have to come up with a definate name... I must stop" But I just couldn't! I just HAD to come up with something great.
I announced to Dave that her name was Julianne Rose. And I told him I would not be changing my mind! Then I could sleep!
So today I had a drs appointment. The pathology results were back on the baby. He told me that they had labeled it "product of conception" meaning it was something to do with Chromosomes of some sort. They don't go into much more detail because there is just so much to investigate. The good news of this is that there is nothing wrong with the womb that would indicate complications in further pregnancies. My baby just couldn't sustain life for whatever reason. And the report indicated that it was a girl. So I immediately began crying. It was easier thinking it was just a baby, but now to know it was my daughter makes it a bit more "personal" as if it wasn't already... I hope you understand the lack of words I have to express it. However, all the obsessing seemed to make sense to me. I am so happy that I had a name for her. And if it isn't already a precious name, it means youthful. And It dawned on me how fitting that name is. Julianne will never grow old. She will never have wrinkles from worry, she will never experience pain from her evergrowing bones, she will never experience the horrors of this world... she will forever stay young with her God. And I can't imagine anything better for my baby girl! Julianne, have fun with Jesus, we'll see you someday!

Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is one of the chapters of the Bible that is really ministering to me during this time. I want to just miraculously be "over" this. I want to feel like its in the past... yes, this soon. I feel like I am doing well, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to bring it up to Dave anymore. And I know it hasn't been very long, but I don't want any of it. So, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to feel. However, I can go before God and feel any way I want. So I walk around my house reciting the chapter (sometimes I leave out all the things about my enemies... I can deal with them later... hehe).
My Lord searches me, He knows me. I don't have to worry about feeling good when people think I should be crying, or for crying when people think I should be "over it". He knows my heart. he knows when I pace. When I sit for too long and begin to think about all the "what ifs" or "what nows". He is familiar with all my ways. I rejoice and find comfort in the fact that I can go no where away from His spirit, I can not flee from His presence! And PTL i don't want to! When negative thoughts creep in, I know that even in that darkness, it will not be dark to God. The night will shine like the day!
I absolutely love that he created my inmost being! And that that is true of my unborn baby. He created this baby's inmost being. And although I didn't get to hold the baby or see her/him I know that he/she was wonderfully made for His works are wonderful and I DO KNOW THAT FULL WELL! And I am so happy that He saw this unformed body. And there are times when I do ask God "Why if he was wonderfully made did he not make it?" But He quickly reminded me that all the days were ordained for me... and my baby, they were written in His book before one of them came to be. And I am okay with that. I feel so close to God knowing that he didn't let my baby die for some random reason. he didn't allow my sorrow for the heck of it!
How precious to me are His thoughts! He has so many of them. He thinks about me often!
So, Lord, help me heal! Search me and know my heart. Test me (which I think you are doing.. let me pass!) and know my anxious thoughts!
I want to try for another baby, but the anxiety is so huge. I know that He knows my thoughts, he will lead me in the way of everlasting!

Just Bored
This weather we are having is just boring! I mean, it was nice weather out, and maybe we should have played out, but instead we thought it'd be fun to have a jammie day and stay in... BORING!
I've been searching the net all day. i am just about overdone on the miscarriage threads I've been a part of this week. I mean, they've been a lot of help. They give me some idea of what to expect. However, I want to get over it, and not have to talk about it anymore.
So I started to search other blogs/sites... I ran into one that was called "How to preform a Striptease". Don't get me wrong. It was on weddedbliss and I thought that was a Christian site, so i thought "Hey, they're just ganna tell me how to spice things up... yeah, it wasn't! I had to stop watching this video and pray that the AG doesn't come in and do any random searches on our computer! He he! My husband still wants me to try the strip tease some day (sorry, mother-in-law, I am sure you don't want to read that!) Maybe someday! hehe!
I read a bunch of sites on crafts we can do this week. Zech is obsessed with "is it Easter yet!" so I may begin our easter crafts this week and decorate the house a bit! He is also sad that it snowed since it doesn't snow in the spring and spring time means CARNIVAL TIME! I don't know where he gets this, but he can't wait to go to a carnival... I will have to keep my eyes open and some cash on hand just in case one pops up!
I read an old youth group friend's blog. he found out he has Cancer... he is holding up VERY well, while I feel like the week of losing my baby was horrible, I realize there are much worse things that could have happened.
I look forward to this week. A normal week. Its like I lost last week. I got nothing done! My kids didn't even wear pants yesterday! How horrible!
So, there is my random blog... more later!

Intuition?
Today is a pretty sad day for me. I keep thinking I'll be better, then the sadness comes back. I honestly don't think I've ever been this sad. And I hope I don't have to feel it often or soon!
I had an ultrasound today after begging the doctors office for it. I had been bleeding a bit since Sunday night, and this morning it was redder and more than the other two. I went in to find out that the baby never progressed past 7 weeks.
I have began cramping (and OUCH... no wonder women take days off work to sit on heating pads if this is cramping they feel!) and will probably pass the baby within the next 48 hours. I chose not to do the D&C unless there looked to be complications during this natural stage.
I wanted to blog just because... well I don't know why, I just need to get this all out.
I keep talking and praying with Dave and know that, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know I have been called according to His purpose!
I told Dave on saturday that I just needed prayer that I didn't think things were going well. That I felt uneasy and that I just needed to see the dr. Then on Sunday I began the bleeding. Its as if God was preparing me.
I know that God loves me, is not punishing me (even if that thought creeps in, and it already has... I take it captive),and has my best interest at heart.
Going in today I had this conversation with God.
"Lord, I know just as Jesus Prayed, that I will do your will, no matter what that entails. But, if at all possible, please save this baby!" I told God that I wanted Him to look at my heart, to know that I want what He wants. And at the same time want to have a happy healthy baby. And that He can change anything, or make anything the way he desires. I prayed that even if my request was not granted, that He'd be my comfort. And although I haven't yet made it 15 min without crying, I know His hand is upon me. I know that He is working on me even through grieving.
My dr said I could start trying in two weeks. I am not sure I am ready for that. However, my desire for a baby is not gone, just pushed back for the sadness of losing this one.
I could take your prayers. I know I have family praying already, but I want to glorify God even with my sadness. So, pray I can be stronger than I feel and keep going!
Thanks...
Stevie

Week 9
My baby now is about the size of a medium green olive (talk about being very precise, huh?)
Although the baby is still very small, it is beginning to look more like a human being. he will begin to make tiny movements as the muscles start to develop. The arms and hands are progressing faster than the legs and feet at this point. By this time of his development, the hands have defined finger ridges and the tissue between them will die off to leave separate fingers.

I can't believe how cute this little baby is! I can't wait to see him/her.
Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: My baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. My baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that my baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain. YAY! I can't wait for the rapid weight gain! hehe!

So far her (if its possible that its a girl) name is Julianne Rose. We will call her Jule (or possibly it will come out of my mouth as Jules, as does Lily's name come out as Lils very often).

We'll see if Dave speaks up and changes it. Right now he is so convinced its a boy that he agrees to anything I say just because...

His name (as we assume its a boy) is Nathanael Paul (Nate). I just have to have the name set! It drives me crazy if I don't!

Kidisms

Sunday I took just Zech out shopping at the outlet mall. It was a beautiful day, he hardly naps at all, so I thought it might be a fun "date" with my son. We went to Carters, Gymboree, Old Navy, and Gap... not THAT spread out, but it was a lot of walking. The weather was WONDERFUL! Zech was halairious. By the time we got to gap I was promising it was the last store. As we looked around Zech sits on the floor and says, "Oh, man, this baby is really making my feet hurt! I can't walk anymore." The sales associates were rolling on the floor with laughter. Then when I tell him to get off the floor he says "Seriously, this baby is making me really sick! We have to leave!" So funny! We had to leave to get ice cream, I mean, every pregnant 4 year old BOY needs ice cream!

So, tonight was Lily's turn. We ran to the mall and to get groceries. Lily's all talk! She talks about how the chipmunk ate her bananas (they were old, and we were trying to lure it out of its hole). She told me all about mailing her paci to the crying baby (2 weeks ago!). And then she asked me to tell her about the 3 Little Bears. So I tell her the story, again and again. After the 3rd time I tell her to tell me. So she continues the story. "The papa bear said 'WHO'S IN MY BED!?' Mama bear says 'WHO'S IN MY BED' baby bear looks and says 'Its that goldy girl! She's in my bed!'" All said in various voices... I was dieing I was laughing so hard!

NO MORE TAIL (well almost!)

This week my baby has developed webbed fingers and toes that are poking out from his hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. (Good thing that goes away... whew!) In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. My baby is about the size of a kidney bean and is constantly moving. I shouldn't be able to feel this yet, it is a bit too small!

We just found out that my sister-in-law (I should just say sister, she's as close as my own!) is pregnant too. She waited a long time to tell us and is actually further along than I am. We are three weeks apart. I am so excited. My older sister is pregnant too, due in June. (she will say May, but she always goes late... so I am assuming June). All these babies! I just can't believe I am only 8 weeks along! That is A LONG TIME to wait! I mention this every week, but really!

I know that if I stopped thinking about it October would be here sooner than a blink of an eye. The summer always goes by too fast!

I still haven't had my first prenatal appointment. Its driving me crazy! I assume everything is okay, but I'd really like to hear it (and see it) at the first appointment. I hear he has a new internal ultrasound machine and I will have my first ultra sound! I am SUPER excited about that!

I brag about how I hardly feel pregnant, no real bad symptoms other than being tired. But lately I've felt pretty yucky. I feel like I need to eat, but the thought of food makes me nauseas! Its an endless cycle. Not bad enough to have anti-nausea meds or anything, and never close to really puking (except when I saw a kid throw up on tv yesterday!). So far so good! This is VERY similar to my past pregnancies.

I'm really feeling boy! I am not sure I'll believe it if its a girl.

Also, I am making my prediction now that when I do have my ultra sound they will say I am 4 days farther than my LMP says. I think I ovulated on the 23rd, so I did the calculations and that would make my due date 10/14... hey, its 4 days early! I can hope, huh!

The Evangecube

This morning was a very rainy morning and I am not sure if that was why, or if we can blame the hour change... or maybe if we can just KNOW that God knows all things, and sets all things into motion... But, no kids showed up for kids church. My two did of course, but that was it. I wasn't about to cancel the day, its important that my kids get church too. So we did our weekly kids church routine. We gave in the Buddle Barrels, we sang our worship songs (we even did extra favorites of the kids and let them dance) then instead of doing my big elaborate lesson I would do for the 10 kids that normally show up, I decided to get the Evangecube out. I had extras so I could let the kids have their own. My kids love the Evangecube... let me share with you what its about... Its a cube that folds to tell the redemption story. For kids this is what I say...

This is the cube unopened, the first picture...

The Bible says that every man and woman, girl and boy have done bad things. And our bad things have separated us from God. And could keep us out of heaven. (Rom 3:23)

Who wants to go to heaven? Of course all do! and they raise their hands in joy! My kids do it every time!

Then we fold the cube outwards to reveal the 2nd picture...

This is a picture of Jesus. He is God's son. he was sent to earth to seek and save those who can not get to heaven because of their sins. (Luke 19:10). God sent his only son so that whoever believed in him would have a chance to go to heaven (John 3:16) He died so that you could have all your sins (bad things) forgiven. He was our payment for sin (Romans 6:23). he died for YOU! because he loves you so much! I even say "He died just for Zech!" "He died because he loves Lily so much" (isn't it wonderful that you were on His mind?) I explain even the grusome details. That He was nailed to the cross, was hit, was spit on, was made fun of... and He still did it because He wanted to see us all in heaven with Him.

After Jesus went through so much pain and suffering, he died. (Flip the cube)

He was put in this tomb. The guards worried people might come and take Jesus' body, so they guarded the tomb. They made it nice and secure so no one could come in! BUT (oh, how I love this BUT!!!!!)

Flip cube out...

Jesus ROSE FROM THE DEAD! He was no longer dead! he rolled that stone away! Jesus is ALIVE! Ya know why its important that he is alive? It means we serve a living God. One who hears us, who still loves us, who can speak to us. He has overcome the grave! He is ALIVE (Now, seriously, this is exciting!) Because He died to pay for our sins, and because He rose He is a living God... (Flip cube)He has made a way for us to get to heaven! Although the cross isn't Literal passage way... He made it this easy! The symbol of a cross has become our way to heaven! And now we have full access... You just have ONE thing to do! (flip cube now...)

We just need to grab His hand! We need to decide to let God come in. And let him be the leader of our lives. Jesus is the only way to avoid hell (and we allow the kids to touch... I like to make a sizzling sound when they touch the flames... I laugh when the pull their hands away as if they've really been burned!) The ONLY way to Heaven is to accept Jesus! This is all we have to do. And by doing this we are saying to God "I want you to be the leader of my life. help me!"

Flip cube...

By accepting Jesus as leader of our lives (yes, adults say Savior... kids understand Leader, the one who saves us and leads us!) we are choosing to live for Him. To live for him, we need to pray regularly, read our Bibles. Our Bible tells us more about God and how He wants us to live. We should join other christians and learn about God (Go to church), and tell the world about Him!

(I stopped looking for all the scriptures... if you want them, message me I will get them all for you!)

So, we did this evangecube this morning with my 4 year old and my 2 year old. Well, Zech, (the 4 year old) was very impressed (even though we've done it MANY times before!) and before I even asked the question, he said "Mommy, I want to go to Heaven, and ask Jesus into my heart!" So without hesitation we prayed. Him repeating me every word. He has prayed this prayer before with the older kids in church, but is mostly looking around to see what the older kids are saying, but there was something different this time. he really got into it, and melted my heart as he prayed. It is the biggest joy for a Mommy to lead their children to the Lord. Lily said it too, this time. However at age 2, I assume she has a bit more understanding to gain!

I love being in Ministry. Dave and I have had the honor of leading many to the Lord. Our hearts are filled with joy with every one, however, leading my son today to the Lord has been the reason for my call to ministry! I am VERY happy! He is VERY Happy and told everyone he saw, "I have Jesus in my heart... I'm going to heaven!" Praise the Lord!

I've been a mommy for FOUR years!
My oldest baby is 4! Zech's birthday was on Wednesday. He has just grown up so much! I always like to reminisce about that fabulous day he was born. I was scared out of my mind. I'd never really had surgery before. But they thought a C-Section was what was best for our situation. The moment he came out the nurse said "I am SO glad we did the section!" That first glance at him amazed me. I could see him. He had been kicking me and flipping around so much inside, that when I saw this calm tiny (well, not so tiny at 9# 5oz) little thing, my heart melted. He still does that to me today. He says the most wonderful things. Just yesterday he was "reading" this card his grandma sent him. He said the card was from Jesus. Jesus had "written" "I love you all, even those with polka-dotted hair." Then he said that the card said "Hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Love, Jesus!"
(that was this weeks memory verse!) When Zech sees hearts he says "this heart reminds us that God loves us!" And now when I see a heart that is what I remember.
When Zech was born all I thought I knew was gone. He was unlike any baby I'd ever had experience with. I had nannied for many years before becoming a mommy, and when that day came, it wasn't like nanny-ing at all! This was MY baby! I would raise him without having to check with any one else. No one could undo my decisions. He was so strong willed from the very beginning. I knew right away we would have to have a double portion of patience. I praise God now, 4 years later, for that patience, yet I still am asking for more!
Zech is a struggle some times, but he is just so wonderful! He is just so sweet! He is just so smart! And these strong willed traits will serve him well with his walk with God! I can't wait to see it flourish!
So far I really like this 4 year old thing! he has matured a lot in the last month! he is more willing to do things on his own. He is is learning at a very rapid pace. He is starting to calm down quicker and easier with every disappointment. He is really getting more and more independent. I am liking 4, so far!

So here are some pics to see how far he's come!

And a new Milestone Monday!



The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities. And at this stage is when you say "Oh, its so ugly its cute!" I mean, really that baby isn't the cutest in the world, but he is close! (All Ciske Babies are adorable!)


Technically, my baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone (see, cute, huh?) The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. My baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry. And I measured my tummy and I've grown too. My pants all still fit, but I'm definately bigger!My uterus has doubled in size in the past five weeks (even if it just a few cms!) This baby has eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of my baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in my baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.


I hope I am not boring you, I do this every pregnancy. I study all the things my baby is doing inside. Its my way of checking up! I just stand in awe of how God can do such awesome things. And yet there are people who don't acknowledge his awesome ways!


I love that all I need to do is provide nutrition for this baby (and even if I do poorly at this, the baby will take what it needs from me) and God is forming this baby. Every little bloodcell, every eye lash, every organ, every personality triat... he is in control of it all! How wonderfully amazing!


I can't wait to meet him (or her). At this point I would be in utter shock to find out its a girl. That may change later, but so far, I think its a boy! I've even picked out the baby bedding! I haven't bought it... although, I may buy a few things just in case ( I saw stuff that would match at the Dollar spot at Target!) I can always regift to others... right...


here is a picture of the bedding... (well, it won't post a pic... here is the link)
http://www.target.com/Sumersault-Geo-Boy-10-pc-Crib/dp/B001MEY0IQ/ref=in_de_display%20_children?ie=UTF8&pf_rd_r=0TJ54JRREFZ7ZH478Z2C&pf_rd_p=465352811&pf_rd_i=B001NXE44G&pf_rd_s=bottom-8&altString=Sumersault%20Geo%20Boy%2010-pc.%20Crib%20Set&pf_rd_m=A1VC38T7YXB528&pf_rd_t=5201

I will not be disappointed to have another girl, it just doesn't seem like thats what it is. So, let it be known now what I have made my perdiction as. Now, I have been known to change last minute... but I won't say "I was right all along!" hehe! Imean, Ihave a 50/50 chance of being correct, right?

But on another note, Ifeel GREAT. I am tired, and feel like I've lost my mind at times (I will be researching to see what this pregnancy brain is!). But I am not sick, I don't even feel yucky, I am kinda losing my appetite a bit, but thats okay! I make sure to get my mini meals in. I need a healthy baby! So, so far, so good! I look forward to the next 33 weeks of feeling GREAT! *yeah, right, right?

Milestone Monday

6weeks:

This week, my baby is going through major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears are beginning to take shape. He has an oversize head and dark spots where my baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form (Doesn't he/she sound beautiful?) His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as mine — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, my baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a Lentil bean (but please don't call him that!).

I actually don't even feel pregnant. Last week I was feeling a bit queazy, but now I feel perfectly fine... well, besides falling asleep any and every time I sit still not doing anything. My poor husband! I try to nap just to have a normal conversation with him in the evening without him looking at me fall asleep midsentence. I still haven't had a doctor's appointment and I wish I were going in sooner. I guess its just I want that assurity. I hate that I worry even when I have a Savior that takes those burdens of worry away from me... well, if I give them to him. I sure do try! I worry when I don't feel pregnant, "what if something is wrong?" I worry when I do "Is that a normal feeling"... and this is my THIRD time at this! I should be over it by now. I am just so excited I don't want to overlook anything! But, I do feel confident that God has a plan... well, more than confident that is! I KNOW he does, and no matter what would happen, I rest in his hands!

I am already obsessing over baby names. We know the boy name, but in that slight 50% chance its a girl, I need a name. I am stuck right now on Adeline. Dave says to make a list and he can choose... but I don't want any other name... so maybe I can hand him a paper with Adeline written 25 times on the page... or match it with names like Beatrice, Bertha, Salutation (is that a name?) things like that... I bet he'll pick my name then! I love Adeline Rose... And I understand that Adeline is a love or hate name. So maybe he'll pick it knowing we'd call her Addy! And maybe we will just have a boy and not have to worry about it!

I just don't want to wait 34 weeks! I will, of course... I just don't want to!

A photo challenge

A friend over at Limited Editing has tagged me in a game. I am to go into my pictures folder, find the 4th folder and upload the 4th picture. Since mine are mainly organized by year and month and day/event, I will keep going in 4s until I get a pic... here is mine:

It was taken at Lily's 2nd birthday party just months ago.

She had a dress up party. She was a ballerina. She is just too cute! I have to say that was my most creative birthday party yet. She had such an amazing cake! I felt so proud... its too bad she won't remember it! However, she has a mama obsessed with taking pictures, so at least she will have this! Here is a picture of the cake from that day...

So, now I tag people? Joann, Renee P., and Melis. (If they read this blog that is!)

Bible Study overload?
I love Bible Study, I always have, and I hope I always will. I do, however, seem to overdo it at times... For instance, I am starting (in the first week of) A very intense Beth Moore study, I am starting another Study with some girlfriends of mine (Train up a Mom) and I am doing a marriage builder one with my husband/small group (Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti). And as I finished up a study this last weekend the story of Abraham and Isaac came up, then the entire story of the covenant made with Abraham... then in Beth Moore it is brought up. Dave is doing a study on Genesis with his Sunday School class so we were discussing the Abraham "story". It has been on my mind all week. I've been reading the same scriptures over and over... and I am thinking I may need to read it again. Maybe God is speaking to me! This doens't always happen that all the studies line up to teach one unified lesson... but all of a sudden it is happening that way. And if that isn't enough I was sent an email from the makers of Veggie Tales and they are coming out with a new Veggie Tales DVD about the story of Abraham and the patience they had in waiting for their baby... And I turn to Dave and ask, "What is God telling me? What do I need to grasp on to from this story (FACTUAL story)?" Dave says "God will give you a baby in your old age!" hehe! I am still pondering it for now... I may read through one more time and spend some extra time in prayer. There is one central theme going on in my life right now, and I'm already feeling an urgency about it all, so I want to be sure I am receiving what I should receive. So many women are facing some of the same battles around me, and I feel I need to reach out, but I am at a loss for words. I have some anxiety concerning some things right now, and even though I am trying to contain that anxiety and give it to God, it returns without notice at times. This uneasy urgency... so I don't want to overlook a recurring message in my life.
So... if you are a pray-er... can ya say a prayer! pray-ers in prayers! I know He is speaking to me, I know there is something I should do... I want to do it right! I want to be that vessal, or that student, or that sponge... whatever it may be!