Intuition?
Today is a pretty sad day for me. I keep thinking I'll be better, then the sadness comes back. I honestly don't think I've ever been this sad. And I hope I don't have to feel it often or soon!
I had an ultrasound today after begging the doctors office for it. I had been bleeding a bit since Sunday night, and this morning it was redder and more than the other two. I went in to find out that the baby never progressed past 7 weeks.
I have began cramping (and OUCH... no wonder women take days off work to sit on heating pads if this is cramping they feel!) and will probably pass the baby within the next 48 hours. I chose not to do the D&C unless there looked to be complications during this natural stage.
I wanted to blog just because... well I don't know why, I just need to get this all out.
I keep talking and praying with Dave and know that, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know I have been called according to His purpose!
I told Dave on saturday that I just needed prayer that I didn't think things were going well. That I felt uneasy and that I just needed to see the dr. Then on Sunday I began the bleeding. Its as if God was preparing me.
I know that God loves me, is not punishing me (even if that thought creeps in, and it already has... I take it captive),and has my best interest at heart.
Going in today I had this conversation with God.
"Lord, I know just as Jesus Prayed, that I will do your will, no matter what that entails. But, if at all possible, please save this baby!" I told God that I wanted Him to look at my heart, to know that I want what He wants. And at the same time want to have a happy healthy baby. And that He can change anything, or make anything the way he desires. I prayed that even if my request was not granted, that He'd be my comfort. And although I haven't yet made it 15 min without crying, I know His hand is upon me. I know that He is working on me even through grieving.
My dr said I could start trying in two weeks. I am not sure I am ready for that. However, my desire for a baby is not gone, just pushed back for the sadness of losing this one.
I could take your prayers. I know I have family praying already, but I want to glorify God even with my sadness. So, pray I can be stronger than I feel and keep going!
Thanks...
Stevie