Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is one of the chapters of the Bible that is really ministering to me during this time. I want to just miraculously be "over" this. I want to feel like its in the past... yes, this soon. I feel like I am doing well, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to bring it up to Dave anymore. And I know it hasn't been very long, but I don't want any of it. So, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to feel. However, I can go before God and feel any way I want. So I walk around my house reciting the chapter (sometimes I leave out all the things about my enemies... I can deal with them later... hehe).
My Lord searches me, He knows me. I don't have to worry about feeling good when people think I should be crying, or for crying when people think I should be "over it". He knows my heart. he knows when I pace. When I sit for too long and begin to think about all the "what ifs" or "what nows". He is familiar with all my ways. I rejoice and find comfort in the fact that I can go no where away from His spirit, I can not flee from His presence! And PTL i don't want to! When negative thoughts creep in, I know that even in that darkness, it will not be dark to God. The night will shine like the day!
I absolutely love that he created my inmost being! And that that is true of my unborn baby. He created this baby's inmost being. And although I didn't get to hold the baby or see her/him I know that he/she was wonderfully made for His works are wonderful and I DO KNOW THAT FULL WELL! And I am so happy that He saw this unformed body. And there are times when I do ask God "Why if he was wonderfully made did he not make it?" But He quickly reminded me that all the days were ordained for me... and my baby, they were written in His book before one of them came to be. And I am okay with that. I feel so close to God knowing that he didn't let my baby die for some random reason. he didn't allow my sorrow for the heck of it!
How precious to me are His thoughts! He has so many of them. He thinks about me often!
So, Lord, help me heal! Search me and know my heart. Test me (which I think you are doing.. let me pass!) and know my anxious thoughts!
I want to try for another baby, but the anxiety is so huge. I know that He knows my thoughts, he will lead me in the way of everlasting!

Just Bored
This weather we are having is just boring! I mean, it was nice weather out, and maybe we should have played out, but instead we thought it'd be fun to have a jammie day and stay in... BORING!
I've been searching the net all day. i am just about overdone on the miscarriage threads I've been a part of this week. I mean, they've been a lot of help. They give me some idea of what to expect. However, I want to get over it, and not have to talk about it anymore.
So I started to search other blogs/sites... I ran into one that was called "How to preform a Striptease". Don't get me wrong. It was on weddedbliss and I thought that was a Christian site, so i thought "Hey, they're just ganna tell me how to spice things up... yeah, it wasn't! I had to stop watching this video and pray that the AG doesn't come in and do any random searches on our computer! He he! My husband still wants me to try the strip tease some day (sorry, mother-in-law, I am sure you don't want to read that!) Maybe someday! hehe!
I read a bunch of sites on crafts we can do this week. Zech is obsessed with "is it Easter yet!" so I may begin our easter crafts this week and decorate the house a bit! He is also sad that it snowed since it doesn't snow in the spring and spring time means CARNIVAL TIME! I don't know where he gets this, but he can't wait to go to a carnival... I will have to keep my eyes open and some cash on hand just in case one pops up!
I read an old youth group friend's blog. he found out he has Cancer... he is holding up VERY well, while I feel like the week of losing my baby was horrible, I realize there are much worse things that could have happened.
I look forward to this week. A normal week. Its like I lost last week. I got nothing done! My kids didn't even wear pants yesterday! How horrible!
So, there is my random blog... more later!

Intuition?
Today is a pretty sad day for me. I keep thinking I'll be better, then the sadness comes back. I honestly don't think I've ever been this sad. And I hope I don't have to feel it often or soon!
I had an ultrasound today after begging the doctors office for it. I had been bleeding a bit since Sunday night, and this morning it was redder and more than the other two. I went in to find out that the baby never progressed past 7 weeks.
I have began cramping (and OUCH... no wonder women take days off work to sit on heating pads if this is cramping they feel!) and will probably pass the baby within the next 48 hours. I chose not to do the D&C unless there looked to be complications during this natural stage.
I wanted to blog just because... well I don't know why, I just need to get this all out.
I keep talking and praying with Dave and know that, "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know I have been called according to His purpose!
I told Dave on saturday that I just needed prayer that I didn't think things were going well. That I felt uneasy and that I just needed to see the dr. Then on Sunday I began the bleeding. Its as if God was preparing me.
I know that God loves me, is not punishing me (even if that thought creeps in, and it already has... I take it captive),and has my best interest at heart.
Going in today I had this conversation with God.
"Lord, I know just as Jesus Prayed, that I will do your will, no matter what that entails. But, if at all possible, please save this baby!" I told God that I wanted Him to look at my heart, to know that I want what He wants. And at the same time want to have a happy healthy baby. And that He can change anything, or make anything the way he desires. I prayed that even if my request was not granted, that He'd be my comfort. And although I haven't yet made it 15 min without crying, I know His hand is upon me. I know that He is working on me even through grieving.
My dr said I could start trying in two weeks. I am not sure I am ready for that. However, my desire for a baby is not gone, just pushed back for the sadness of losing this one.
I could take your prayers. I know I have family praying already, but I want to glorify God even with my sadness. So, pray I can be stronger than I feel and keep going!
Thanks...
Stevie

Week 9
My baby now is about the size of a medium green olive (talk about being very precise, huh?)
Although the baby is still very small, it is beginning to look more like a human being. he will begin to make tiny movements as the muscles start to develop. The arms and hands are progressing faster than the legs and feet at this point. By this time of his development, the hands have defined finger ridges and the tissue between them will die off to leave separate fingers.

I can't believe how cute this little baby is! I can't wait to see him/her.
Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: My baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. My baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that my baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain. YAY! I can't wait for the rapid weight gain! hehe!

So far her (if its possible that its a girl) name is Julianne Rose. We will call her Jule (or possibly it will come out of my mouth as Jules, as does Lily's name come out as Lils very often).

We'll see if Dave speaks up and changes it. Right now he is so convinced its a boy that he agrees to anything I say just because...

His name (as we assume its a boy) is Nathanael Paul (Nate). I just have to have the name set! It drives me crazy if I don't!

Kidisms

Sunday I took just Zech out shopping at the outlet mall. It was a beautiful day, he hardly naps at all, so I thought it might be a fun "date" with my son. We went to Carters, Gymboree, Old Navy, and Gap... not THAT spread out, but it was a lot of walking. The weather was WONDERFUL! Zech was halairious. By the time we got to gap I was promising it was the last store. As we looked around Zech sits on the floor and says, "Oh, man, this baby is really making my feet hurt! I can't walk anymore." The sales associates were rolling on the floor with laughter. Then when I tell him to get off the floor he says "Seriously, this baby is making me really sick! We have to leave!" So funny! We had to leave to get ice cream, I mean, every pregnant 4 year old BOY needs ice cream!

So, tonight was Lily's turn. We ran to the mall and to get groceries. Lily's all talk! She talks about how the chipmunk ate her bananas (they were old, and we were trying to lure it out of its hole). She told me all about mailing her paci to the crying baby (2 weeks ago!). And then she asked me to tell her about the 3 Little Bears. So I tell her the story, again and again. After the 3rd time I tell her to tell me. So she continues the story. "The papa bear said 'WHO'S IN MY BED!?' Mama bear says 'WHO'S IN MY BED' baby bear looks and says 'Its that goldy girl! She's in my bed!'" All said in various voices... I was dieing I was laughing so hard!

NO MORE TAIL (well almost!)

This week my baby has developed webbed fingers and toes that are poking out from his hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. (Good thing that goes away... whew!) In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. My baby is about the size of a kidney bean and is constantly moving. I shouldn't be able to feel this yet, it is a bit too small!

We just found out that my sister-in-law (I should just say sister, she's as close as my own!) is pregnant too. She waited a long time to tell us and is actually further along than I am. We are three weeks apart. I am so excited. My older sister is pregnant too, due in June. (she will say May, but she always goes late... so I am assuming June). All these babies! I just can't believe I am only 8 weeks along! That is A LONG TIME to wait! I mention this every week, but really!

I know that if I stopped thinking about it October would be here sooner than a blink of an eye. The summer always goes by too fast!

I still haven't had my first prenatal appointment. Its driving me crazy! I assume everything is okay, but I'd really like to hear it (and see it) at the first appointment. I hear he has a new internal ultrasound machine and I will have my first ultra sound! I am SUPER excited about that!

I brag about how I hardly feel pregnant, no real bad symptoms other than being tired. But lately I've felt pretty yucky. I feel like I need to eat, but the thought of food makes me nauseas! Its an endless cycle. Not bad enough to have anti-nausea meds or anything, and never close to really puking (except when I saw a kid throw up on tv yesterday!). So far so good! This is VERY similar to my past pregnancies.

I'm really feeling boy! I am not sure I'll believe it if its a girl.

Also, I am making my prediction now that when I do have my ultra sound they will say I am 4 days farther than my LMP says. I think I ovulated on the 23rd, so I did the calculations and that would make my due date 10/14... hey, its 4 days early! I can hope, huh!

The Evangecube

This morning was a very rainy morning and I am not sure if that was why, or if we can blame the hour change... or maybe if we can just KNOW that God knows all things, and sets all things into motion... But, no kids showed up for kids church. My two did of course, but that was it. I wasn't about to cancel the day, its important that my kids get church too. So we did our weekly kids church routine. We gave in the Buddle Barrels, we sang our worship songs (we even did extra favorites of the kids and let them dance) then instead of doing my big elaborate lesson I would do for the 10 kids that normally show up, I decided to get the Evangecube out. I had extras so I could let the kids have their own. My kids love the Evangecube... let me share with you what its about... Its a cube that folds to tell the redemption story. For kids this is what I say...

This is the cube unopened, the first picture...

The Bible says that every man and woman, girl and boy have done bad things. And our bad things have separated us from God. And could keep us out of heaven. (Rom 3:23)

Who wants to go to heaven? Of course all do! and they raise their hands in joy! My kids do it every time!

Then we fold the cube outwards to reveal the 2nd picture...

This is a picture of Jesus. He is God's son. he was sent to earth to seek and save those who can not get to heaven because of their sins. (Luke 19:10). God sent his only son so that whoever believed in him would have a chance to go to heaven (John 3:16) He died so that you could have all your sins (bad things) forgiven. He was our payment for sin (Romans 6:23). he died for YOU! because he loves you so much! I even say "He died just for Zech!" "He died because he loves Lily so much" (isn't it wonderful that you were on His mind?) I explain even the grusome details. That He was nailed to the cross, was hit, was spit on, was made fun of... and He still did it because He wanted to see us all in heaven with Him.

After Jesus went through so much pain and suffering, he died. (Flip the cube)

He was put in this tomb. The guards worried people might come and take Jesus' body, so they guarded the tomb. They made it nice and secure so no one could come in! BUT (oh, how I love this BUT!!!!!)

Flip cube out...

Jesus ROSE FROM THE DEAD! He was no longer dead! he rolled that stone away! Jesus is ALIVE! Ya know why its important that he is alive? It means we serve a living God. One who hears us, who still loves us, who can speak to us. He has overcome the grave! He is ALIVE (Now, seriously, this is exciting!) Because He died to pay for our sins, and because He rose He is a living God... (Flip cube)He has made a way for us to get to heaven! Although the cross isn't Literal passage way... He made it this easy! The symbol of a cross has become our way to heaven! And now we have full access... You just have ONE thing to do! (flip cube now...)

We just need to grab His hand! We need to decide to let God come in. And let him be the leader of our lives. Jesus is the only way to avoid hell (and we allow the kids to touch... I like to make a sizzling sound when they touch the flames... I laugh when the pull their hands away as if they've really been burned!) The ONLY way to Heaven is to accept Jesus! This is all we have to do. And by doing this we are saying to God "I want you to be the leader of my life. help me!"

Flip cube...

By accepting Jesus as leader of our lives (yes, adults say Savior... kids understand Leader, the one who saves us and leads us!) we are choosing to live for Him. To live for him, we need to pray regularly, read our Bibles. Our Bible tells us more about God and how He wants us to live. We should join other christians and learn about God (Go to church), and tell the world about Him!

(I stopped looking for all the scriptures... if you want them, message me I will get them all for you!)

So, we did this evangecube this morning with my 4 year old and my 2 year old. Well, Zech, (the 4 year old) was very impressed (even though we've done it MANY times before!) and before I even asked the question, he said "Mommy, I want to go to Heaven, and ask Jesus into my heart!" So without hesitation we prayed. Him repeating me every word. He has prayed this prayer before with the older kids in church, but is mostly looking around to see what the older kids are saying, but there was something different this time. he really got into it, and melted my heart as he prayed. It is the biggest joy for a Mommy to lead their children to the Lord. Lily said it too, this time. However at age 2, I assume she has a bit more understanding to gain!

I love being in Ministry. Dave and I have had the honor of leading many to the Lord. Our hearts are filled with joy with every one, however, leading my son today to the Lord has been the reason for my call to ministry! I am VERY happy! He is VERY Happy and told everyone he saw, "I have Jesus in my heart... I'm going to heaven!" Praise the Lord!

I've been a mommy for FOUR years!
My oldest baby is 4! Zech's birthday was on Wednesday. He has just grown up so much! I always like to reminisce about that fabulous day he was born. I was scared out of my mind. I'd never really had surgery before. But they thought a C-Section was what was best for our situation. The moment he came out the nurse said "I am SO glad we did the section!" That first glance at him amazed me. I could see him. He had been kicking me and flipping around so much inside, that when I saw this calm tiny (well, not so tiny at 9# 5oz) little thing, my heart melted. He still does that to me today. He says the most wonderful things. Just yesterday he was "reading" this card his grandma sent him. He said the card was from Jesus. Jesus had "written" "I love you all, even those with polka-dotted hair." Then he said that the card said "Hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Love, Jesus!"
(that was this weeks memory verse!) When Zech sees hearts he says "this heart reminds us that God loves us!" And now when I see a heart that is what I remember.
When Zech was born all I thought I knew was gone. He was unlike any baby I'd ever had experience with. I had nannied for many years before becoming a mommy, and when that day came, it wasn't like nanny-ing at all! This was MY baby! I would raise him without having to check with any one else. No one could undo my decisions. He was so strong willed from the very beginning. I knew right away we would have to have a double portion of patience. I praise God now, 4 years later, for that patience, yet I still am asking for more!
Zech is a struggle some times, but he is just so wonderful! He is just so sweet! He is just so smart! And these strong willed traits will serve him well with his walk with God! I can't wait to see it flourish!
So far I really like this 4 year old thing! he has matured a lot in the last month! he is more willing to do things on his own. He is is learning at a very rapid pace. He is starting to calm down quicker and easier with every disappointment. He is really getting more and more independent. I am liking 4, so far!

So here are some pics to see how far he's come!

And a new Milestone Monday!



The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities. And at this stage is when you say "Oh, its so ugly its cute!" I mean, really that baby isn't the cutest in the world, but he is close! (All Ciske Babies are adorable!)


Technically, my baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone (see, cute, huh?) The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. My baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry. And I measured my tummy and I've grown too. My pants all still fit, but I'm definately bigger!My uterus has doubled in size in the past five weeks (even if it just a few cms!) This baby has eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of my baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in my baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.


I hope I am not boring you, I do this every pregnancy. I study all the things my baby is doing inside. Its my way of checking up! I just stand in awe of how God can do such awesome things. And yet there are people who don't acknowledge his awesome ways!


I love that all I need to do is provide nutrition for this baby (and even if I do poorly at this, the baby will take what it needs from me) and God is forming this baby. Every little bloodcell, every eye lash, every organ, every personality triat... he is in control of it all! How wonderfully amazing!


I can't wait to meet him (or her). At this point I would be in utter shock to find out its a girl. That may change later, but so far, I think its a boy! I've even picked out the baby bedding! I haven't bought it... although, I may buy a few things just in case ( I saw stuff that would match at the Dollar spot at Target!) I can always regift to others... right...


here is a picture of the bedding... (well, it won't post a pic... here is the link)
http://www.target.com/Sumersault-Geo-Boy-10-pc-Crib/dp/B001MEY0IQ/ref=in_de_display%20_children?ie=UTF8&pf_rd_r=0TJ54JRREFZ7ZH478Z2C&pf_rd_p=465352811&pf_rd_i=B001NXE44G&pf_rd_s=bottom-8&altString=Sumersault%20Geo%20Boy%2010-pc.%20Crib%20Set&pf_rd_m=A1VC38T7YXB528&pf_rd_t=5201

I will not be disappointed to have another girl, it just doesn't seem like thats what it is. So, let it be known now what I have made my perdiction as. Now, I have been known to change last minute... but I won't say "I was right all along!" hehe! Imean, Ihave a 50/50 chance of being correct, right?

But on another note, Ifeel GREAT. I am tired, and feel like I've lost my mind at times (I will be researching to see what this pregnancy brain is!). But I am not sick, I don't even feel yucky, I am kinda losing my appetite a bit, but thats okay! I make sure to get my mini meals in. I need a healthy baby! So, so far, so good! I look forward to the next 33 weeks of feeling GREAT! *yeah, right, right?