Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

This is one of the chapters of the Bible that is really ministering to me during this time. I want to just miraculously be "over" this. I want to feel like its in the past... yes, this soon. I feel like I am doing well, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to bring it up to Dave anymore. And I know it hasn't been very long, but I don't want any of it. So, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to feel. However, I can go before God and feel any way I want. So I walk around my house reciting the chapter (sometimes I leave out all the things about my enemies... I can deal with them later... hehe).
My Lord searches me, He knows me. I don't have to worry about feeling good when people think I should be crying, or for crying when people think I should be "over it". He knows my heart. he knows when I pace. When I sit for too long and begin to think about all the "what ifs" or "what nows". He is familiar with all my ways. I rejoice and find comfort in the fact that I can go no where away from His spirit, I can not flee from His presence! And PTL i don't want to! When negative thoughts creep in, I know that even in that darkness, it will not be dark to God. The night will shine like the day!
I absolutely love that he created my inmost being! And that that is true of my unborn baby. He created this baby's inmost being. And although I didn't get to hold the baby or see her/him I know that he/she was wonderfully made for His works are wonderful and I DO KNOW THAT FULL WELL! And I am so happy that He saw this unformed body. And there are times when I do ask God "Why if he was wonderfully made did he not make it?" But He quickly reminded me that all the days were ordained for me... and my baby, they were written in His book before one of them came to be. And I am okay with that. I feel so close to God knowing that he didn't let my baby die for some random reason. he didn't allow my sorrow for the heck of it!
How precious to me are His thoughts! He has so many of them. He thinks about me often!
So, Lord, help me heal! Search me and know my heart. Test me (which I think you are doing.. let me pass!) and know my anxious thoughts!
I want to try for another baby, but the anxiety is so huge. I know that He knows my thoughts, he will lead me in the way of everlasting!