My First Time

Before you stop reading and think what most think when you say "My first time" just remember the title of this blog... MOTHERHOOD! Its not what you think!
Here I am 50ish days from having my 3rd baby, and I feel ecstatic about her arrival. I feel like a little kid that just can't wait for Christmas (which ironically is about the time Ruby will arrive). She is my rainbow baby! I look forward to seeing what has been growing and moving and stealing my heart for the past 7 months! Because I thought she was a boy from the first time I ever dreamed the 3rd child up in my mind, I am stuck as to who she might be. I think I am in for a big surprise, and I CAN'T WAIT!
All this has caused me to reminisce about my FIRST TIME becoming a mother. There was nothing like it. Recently my sister-in-law became a mother for the first time. We waited in the waiting room until the baby was born, and got to see some of her first moments as a mother. There is a saying that says "When a baby is born, so is a mother" and it was such a great day that flooded memories of when I first became a mother. You carry this child for 9 months, you talk to it "Hi, baby, its me MOMMY" but it isn't until that baby comes out, cries and is held in your arms that you become a MOMMY! Your life is totally changed. And I have never loved change more than at that moment.
My eyes swelled with tears, and my chest with pride as I could honestly pronounce that I had become a Mommy! This was MY baby! I grew it, I birthed it, I get to keep it! Then the huge pressure hits... UH! I am A MOMMY!!! How do I hold this tiny thing? (which who are we joking mine are never tiny). How do I FEED this baby? How do I calm this baby? And as stressful as it can be, its still YOURS. And there is something so overcoming about calming him, and feeding him, providing safety for him. And knowing God has trusted you enough to parent him!
With my first things were not easy those first few days. he went over 18 hours refusing to eat. He cried so hard he lost his voice. We did not sleep, he did not sleep. Dave and I both cried a lot. But it never crossed my mind that it wasn't the most glorious couple of days of my life. There is this fear of not being able to do it, then there's a supernatural confidence that tells you "I am a MOM! I can do anything!" We eventually made some decisions that were very hard for me to make (I chose to bottle feed him, *gasp*) and all was good. He just needed to eat, and I guess he chose to eat from a bottle! And life was good again. And I remember thinking that it was the epitome of motherhood. Casting your own desires (for me to nurse) aside for the good of your kids (for him to EAT!). And it felt good to be selfless. It felt empowering to provide ANY way I could for my son! to cuddle him, to snuggle him, to love him... unconditionally.
I watched my sister in law as she held her fragile daughter in her arms and wanted so hard to comfort this crying baby, and I remembered instantly the feeling of becoming a mother. The hardest thing you'll ever LOVE doing (and will venture out to do it time and time... and maybe even time again!). "R" held her tiny baby in her arms and even though she felt she couldn't do it, she instantly calmed that baby! She did what she felt right and that baby felt secure, safe in her momma's arms. There is NOTHING better! No better feeling than becoming a MOM, Mother, Mommy, mamma... lets just say it "SUPERWOMAN!!!"
And although the children that come afterwards are very special in their own little way. And your heart grows with each one, never lacking in love for any of them. There is nothing like your FIRST TIME! When you stopped being YOU, and became MOM for them! Totally and completely amazing! (*** For the record, I am sobbing on the other end of this keyboard... completely sobbing! hehe***)