Monday, July 23, 2007

I Just Want to TRY!!!


I gave my husband a huge lecture in the car yesterday about a comment he made "I know I should" in regards to how we need to act as Christians. But then that "should" comment was followed by "I'm not going to". There are times when I think my husband throws fits just as much as my two year old son, just in less of a screaming-and-crying-throwing-yourself-on-the -ground way. However, back to the lecture and the message behind it... My lecture was in esssence telling him how bold it is to say aloud that you know God wants you to behave in such a way as to glorify Him, but you flat out ignore Him... not only ignore Him, but say a big fat NO! to him. You tell God, "Yes, I know you want me to do that... but I WON'T" Isn't that disobedience ending in deliberate sin? (Well, as you all know I LOVE my husband and always watch myself as to not bash him in any way. I admire his honesty, and the way that even though my lecture was more of a womanly reprimand, and probably annoying as all get out... I could tell he did try to do what he should do... and therefore, I am VERY proud of him... not only for listening to ME! But for listening to GOD! But... my husband is NOT what this blog is about...)
I have been praying for guidance when it comes to my son. I think he has the best personality and that his intensity will pay off in the long run. That it will serve him well at whatever he does later on in life. But right now, he is having a really hard time controlling that intense behavior.
I had a dream a few nights ago that is still stuck in my head. A large wolf like person came into his room as he lay asleep and began throwing him against the wall, and hitting him, and hurting him. As I came in the room I rebuked this demon and tried to mend the hurts... but he was not hurt. I was not scared, I was not angry... I just prayed. When I woke up, I was not emotional, I did not run to his bed side like I think I would have had it been a real "BAD" dream. It was almost like God was giving me some insight. However, I am still praying for more of it.
I know I should do more. So I decided I would make the effort and DO more. So I scheduled out my day. I got some chores done during breakfast, got the kids dressed, and got ready myself. Then when Lily went down for a nap I decided to spend some good ole alone time with Zech.
We painted. He threw a massive fit just getting the smock on. Then he calmed down and painted. When that was over we played in the sink to wash off (for over 15 minutes... with the water running) He threw a massive fit getting out of the sink. I got him dressed and picked out some fun books. He ran from me. I followed and read them any way. He listened some, but mainly stayed away and played cars. When I played with him he was angry that I didn't go the right way. I tried.
We had a blast dancing and playing before dinner. I was so pleased. I'd forgot about the morning. He played at Kids Club... was a perfect angel! We went to the park, he met a new friend... He was VERY nice to the boy. He shared his goldfish with his sister, held her on the swings, laughed, slid down the HUGE slide... HEAD FIRST (scared Mommy!). And I was high on pride for him!
So I thought it'd be nice to go to the store just the two of us. He threw a fit the entire time we were in the store. I tried!
Then we came home, and he went straight to bed. However an hour later he was still playing. I opened his door and asked if he'd like to have a special treat and get up and take a shower with Mommy. He was so excited. Acted so grown up. "Oh, yeah, Mommy. I need a shower." As soon as we get in there, he starts screaming hysterically! I can't figure it out. Maybe its just alone time with Mommy! But, Lord, I am trying! And I want so bad to succeed! I will follow YOU, O Lord! And if you want me to, I will try again tomorrow!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

CUTE

I wanted to jot down some of the cute things that have been happening lately, before I forget them all... but this is the closest thing to "jotting" that I can get to...

ZECH:
His phrases are halairious-- "Uh, What'd you say?", "What are you talking about?" in the most adorable little attitude.
We went to Oma and Opa's this week to avoid the windows guys and Zech was hollering for Rachel, he yells "Rajigga! Rajigga, where are you?" Then goes and looks for her... in the toilet. He is intently looking down the toilet yelling "Rajigga, you down there?" It was so cute!
My new saying for him is "I will listen" when he gets out of his room for not listening. So we are heading to play group and I say "Are you going to be a good boy and be a good listener at play group?" He says in complete sentence with perfect pronunciation "I will be a good listener at play group, mommy!" And he was!
We watched Dr. Phil and he was convinced it was Papa. He actually argued with me. Finally he conceeded, "It's Octer Phil!" and daily says "Its not Papa, its octer phil"
He walks up to the oldest lady in church and calls her Oma. Oma is a young woman, so he must already make the connection that oma means grandma. He made the lady very happy!
He sits at the table and re-enacts scenes from Toy Story or Little Eistiens. He likes to pretent to shake a ball, get angry at it, throw it then react to the ball knocking a toy off the shelf (all this done with NO props) then yells for buzz's help. Or he likes to sing a made up song about the purple plane from Little Einsteins that day.
He made up some silly joke at the table the other day and made Lily crack up, so in turn Dave and I cracked up. So now he is constantly telling this joke... it goes like this... "WATER-JUICE!"... pretty halairious huh? He sure thinks so!
There are more but its getting late!
here are a few quick ones from Lily

LILY--
She likes to fake cough and grunt to get your attention. Then she laughs when you look at her. She is starting to fake whine/cry just to get you to play with her. Then she bounces around like a monkey.
Tonight she got up on her knees and tried to scoot to daddy, laughing the entire time! She also likes to stand and then "jump" as I sing "Jump, jump, jump for Jesus". She bends her knees and stands as a jump.
Every night at the table she just randomly laughs to get Zech to do something to make her laugh even harder. They are the cutest!

Well, my husband is waiting for me so we can watch a movie! Gotta go!
GUILT

Why do moms always have to feel guilty... or maybe its just me! Why do I always have to feel guilty. This may go on for awhile. I haven't blogged in a long time!

About two weeks ago, I had asked my wonderful husband when he'd be home the next day. He gives me this "between 3 and 5" answer! What kind of answer is that. I can hear in his voice that he is peaved at the even mention of it. So I ask him why he's upset. He goes on to say a bunch of stuff that prompts me to remind him that when he works late, I work late. Then he says it... "But you get nap time!" Oh, it was gone. My "trying- to -say- everything- in- a -good -tone" moment was gone! I reminded him that nap time is cleaning time. And dinner preparation time, and that not always do both kids nap at the same time. And hold on... do you know what he said next (or sometime in the conversation)? "For someone who has her 'dream' job, you sure do complain all the time". I completely lost it. I wanted him hurt. I wanted to beat him up. I wanted him to leave, but still stay there to hear me scream at him! Zech is going through one of the roughest times and when I vent to my co-parent, I am labeled a complainer! We argued some and I said it'd be different if I had another parent working with me. I didn't mean it as mean as I am sure it came out (and I am sure at the moment I wanted it to sound mean). But as we semi-appologized I told him I didn't mean it completely. I meant that during the day I have to make decisions immediately... its MUCH different than his job... and its not just a job for me, these are MY kids, HIS kids! He says he didn't mean all the time...
Well, since then, I can't keep myself from feeling an intense guilt. I know that the argument is over, I have even talked to him a bit about it the other night. But if I am not cleaning or mothering, or doing something I feel like he is looking at me like I am a slacker. I asked him to clean the kitchen today and it took everything in me to lay on the couch and rest (I had cleaned the other rooms). I was so afraid he thought it was my job and that I was lazy.
So, I am dealing with that. the argument is over, I am not mad at him. I know it was a heated discussion that things were said out of anger, and that my "job" lasts MUCH longer than his 8 hours, and so be it. I am not complaining or comparing. But I feel guilty everytime I feel like I need a break.
So... I joined a gym. One hour a day away from the kids. I LOVE it! but of course, you guessed it. I am fighting my guilt for putting them in daycare for a measly one hour. I think of the time it takes out of our morning or afternoon and feel like I am cheating them... BUT I can reasonable remind myself that the hour a day helps with Lily's separation anxiety and Zech social skills. What a great thing I am giving to my children. So why feel guilty? I feel like I should rush through the workout so I can go get them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I won't do it. And I know I am irrational. So that's a good step, knowing a am completely insane!

So I pray... there is no room for guilt. I let God convict me and the guilt can go back to hell with its author!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Before...

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been
puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known
the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.


I got that off someone's MySpace. And there is so much I could add, and some I could correct for me!
Let's make some corrections:

I never knew I would love being a Mom.-- I loved being a mom before I was a mom. I lived so many silly moments in my head... what I didn't know was that those moments were just in my head, that its so much more REAL!, but I always knew I'd love it this much! What a blessing! And the most wonderful job ever!

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.-- Ya know...I was surprised, but I never did this. I never got up to "double check". We prayed over our kids everynight (and still do for lily) that God would be their breath, that they would take each breath as God needed them to, and I left it in His hands. There was nothing more I could do. So I went to bed, and trusted that if God needed me to run in and get them, He'd let me know. And for Zech, he did. I woke rather abruptly with the feeling "GO CHECK!" I ran in there and he was caught in his bumper face first. I removed the bumper, thanked God and went to bed. (this goes along with my first addition to the list)

Here are my additions:
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know what complete trust in God was!
I had never craved other mother's company before.
I had never talked about my or anyone elses breasts before (it happens in almost every play group, someone is discussing their breasts!)
I had never looked so far into the future with so much anticipation.
I had never really thought of who we voted in as president until I realized that he was in charge of the world MY kids lived in.
I never carried a purse... let alone a suitcase everywhere I went.
And I never blogged about ONE topic for so long! he he
Boy, I love being a mom!

Colossians 3:17

If your ganna do something, DO IT RIGHT! Glorify HIM!