Wailing into Dancing...

Psalms 30:11-12 says "You turn my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."

This is one of the scriptures that I posted up on my wall when I miscarried in March. I had decided that I may not be able to get through that difficult time in my life if I was not surrounded by God's promises that "life does go on". So I put similar verses all over my house. I've taken some down, but some still remain up. This is one of them.

This morning I had the priveledge of sleeping all the way until 3:45am! (2 nights ago I got up at 3, and last night I was up at 1). I am just SO uncomfortable. My legs are restless/itchy/achey. My back is in sharp pain, and my hips hate me! I dread bedtime each night. And, unfortunately, it then affects the rest of my day as I strive to just stay awake and functioning (but hopefully I will be ready for night time feedings this way, right?)

So, this morning I was finishing up a Bible Study, in which I am studying the book of Esther. In this part of my study I was asked to revisit the part of the story when the first law was put into motion by the wicked Haman. Where all the Jews hear about their upcoming doom. There were 4 emotions/actions taken by the Jewish nation of the time... (Esther 4:3)
Great Mourning, Fasting, Weeping, Wailing....
Yep that is about it, thats what I did when I miscarried. I was in such a pit! I mourned by staying silent, I couldn't eat, I weeped secretly, I WAILED at times. I was So hurt, so wounded, so saddened. It was such a sad moment in my life. Not only was I going through actual physical hormonal changes that occur when you were pregnant, and are no longer, but I also had emotional changes. I went over it over and over thinking the drs were wrong and the baby was still alive. I couldn't fathom not having that baby come October!
But I became pregnant again very quickly. (D&C on March 27th, positive pregnancy test on May 1st)

In the story of Esther, Esther goes to the king, finds favor with him and he allows her to write another edict that will allow her people to live. And when the Jews received that edict (Esther 8:16) they had 4 new emotions:
Happiness, Joy, Gladness, and HONOR!
All the things I felt as I learned that new life was within my belly again. I was nervous at the begining. Worried I would face another demise, and relive it all over again. But it wasn't long that I realized that God was still in control,and had been telling me for a month now that he would grant my requests. It was definately a lesson in trust. And now even more than ever I realize the HONOR behind getting to carry this healthy baby! To be the womb that nurtures it. What an honor we mom's have. So I choose to be happy, have joy, be glad, and feel that honor even if I never get to sleep past 2am again! hehe!

Back pains will go away, hip discomfort will only last a "moment" but the honor of being this baby's momma will stay with me for eternity! And I am SO very blessed to be able to feel those feelings of happiness, joy, gladness, and honor after feeling the "other" bad feelings. I am just so very blessed to have Ruby as my own, to care for her, to nurture her. What an honor! Thanks, God for finding me worthy enough!