2009 in Review
Wow, what a year! I understand I have one more day left in the year, but who knows what tomorrow will bring, I figured I'd finish the year out now!!! As in 5:17am on Dec. 30th! I start my days early now... really early! Just like it did with Lily, sleep doesn't come easily for me this pregnancy. But I have come to enjoy the early (EARLY...sometimes 2 or 3am) times of quietness.
Ruby is scheduled to arrive on January 4th. And although her actual birthday will fall in 2010, I have to say the theme to 2009 for me is RUBY! Its been quite the ride for me, and it has all kinda revolved around getting Ruby.
Starting the year off, Dave and I had made no real resolutions (other than the normal, lose weight... which we purchased a bike and wii fit to aid us!) but we had made a mutual decision that we wanted a baby in 2009. And right away, realized we were pregnant. I will never forget taking that test at midnight (maybe it was 10:30) and laughing with such delight! I was SO excited! October was going to bring us a new baby! For two months all I thought about was this baby that was coming. I enjoyed the idea of being pregnant even though a majority of the time (just like with the first two pregnancies) I did not feel pregnant. Then I remember in March telling Dave I had a bad feeling and could I really call the dr based on a bad feeling? However, that bad feeling was my body telling me that the baby wasn't ganna make it. And we found out by the end of March that the baby had passed a few weeks earlier. I faced a decision then. I could mourn and blame, and protest, and throw a fit... or I could CHOOSE to trust in God. choose to believe that HE was in charge of this life I was given (and the life of the baby) and if I was going to say I lived for Him, I needed to do so in the midst of my heartache. And although it was a very tough time for me, I learned something VERY useful and wonderful that will always stay with me. God is a graceful god. A God that WANTS whats best for me, even if that means he has to allow a bit of pain to my current situation. He desires whats best... and for whatever reason that baby (who I named Julianne Rose) was not the best for us, and I have to trust Him andbe okay with that!
Shortly... VERY shortly after, I realized I was pregnant again. And this time, I'd had a great time with God before finding out and was confident that God would allow me to hold this baby. My connection was SO strong from the very beginning. Not that it hasn't been with the other kids, but it is VERY different. Its like I'd speak to her in my mind, and she'd respond... I know seems strange. But I asked for morning sickness... how odd is that! And She gave it to me! hehe. If I hadn't felt her move in a bit I'd just have to sit back and kinda telepathically tell her to move...and boom, she'd give me a good kick in the ribs. And although I know those things come from God, I believe he is creating a bond between us through these little quirky things.
The year has gone by VERY slowly... yet kinda quickly as well. My kids are growing so fast, and going through two first trimesters (with the last one pretty hard on me) and a non energetic 2nd trimester, and now a VERY painful 3rd trimester, I have to say that 2009 hasn't been the BEST year for anyone in this house. Dave's had frustrations from work that he's never faced before. The kids are getting older, picking up on the stress, and figuring out how to cope with it as well.
But there is so much to be greatful for within their lives as well. I feel like 2009 was a year of learning and growing for them. They both have bloosomed in homeschool, and are growing up to be very fun and smart kids. I know they are only 3 &4 years old... but a momma knows!
So back to my THEME... Ruby... not just a name, but what she represents. When times were rough, and honestly there were lots of rough times, emotionally, stressfully, physically... There was a jewel growing within me... not just in my belly, but in my heart. God really began to design a gem in my heart. Allowing me to persevere, and see His works even in the midst of trials, frustrations, and even heartbreak. And Grace. whew! What a year of grace! He saw my pain, greived with me, and comforted me in a way that no one else could ever do. He reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me! That He is ALL I need! So, Ruby Grace will bring in the new year for us, and I can't wait to see all the things that come along with her, and the new year.
Zech and Lily are SO excited to meet her. I can't wait to hold her, smell her, kiss her, thank her!
But even outside the realm of motherhood, I believe 2010 will bring about some changes that Dave and I will be very excited about. And I look forward to every moment... and I mean EVERY moment. I don't want to miss a thing, God!

23days???
Am I reading my little ticker right? 23 days... when I should be scheduled for 7 days earlier than that... that means SIXTEEN DAYS!!! Oh, my, with Christmas and new years nestled in those 16 (SIXTEEN) days I think Ruby will be here before I know it! I can not wait! The back pain and leg pain, and hip pain, and contraction pain hasn't gotten any better, however, I am handling it! I know that God knows this baby girl's birthday and I trust it will be the right one.
Soon and very soon! I can't wait to meet her!!!

Wailing into Dancing...

Psalms 30:11-12 says "You turn my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent."

This is one of the scriptures that I posted up on my wall when I miscarried in March. I had decided that I may not be able to get through that difficult time in my life if I was not surrounded by God's promises that "life does go on". So I put similar verses all over my house. I've taken some down, but some still remain up. This is one of them.

This morning I had the priveledge of sleeping all the way until 3:45am! (2 nights ago I got up at 3, and last night I was up at 1). I am just SO uncomfortable. My legs are restless/itchy/achey. My back is in sharp pain, and my hips hate me! I dread bedtime each night. And, unfortunately, it then affects the rest of my day as I strive to just stay awake and functioning (but hopefully I will be ready for night time feedings this way, right?)

So, this morning I was finishing up a Bible Study, in which I am studying the book of Esther. In this part of my study I was asked to revisit the part of the story when the first law was put into motion by the wicked Haman. Where all the Jews hear about their upcoming doom. There were 4 emotions/actions taken by the Jewish nation of the time... (Esther 4:3)
Great Mourning, Fasting, Weeping, Wailing....
Yep that is about it, thats what I did when I miscarried. I was in such a pit! I mourned by staying silent, I couldn't eat, I weeped secretly, I WAILED at times. I was So hurt, so wounded, so saddened. It was such a sad moment in my life. Not only was I going through actual physical hormonal changes that occur when you were pregnant, and are no longer, but I also had emotional changes. I went over it over and over thinking the drs were wrong and the baby was still alive. I couldn't fathom not having that baby come October!
But I became pregnant again very quickly. (D&C on March 27th, positive pregnancy test on May 1st)

In the story of Esther, Esther goes to the king, finds favor with him and he allows her to write another edict that will allow her people to live. And when the Jews received that edict (Esther 8:16) they had 4 new emotions:
Happiness, Joy, Gladness, and HONOR!
All the things I felt as I learned that new life was within my belly again. I was nervous at the begining. Worried I would face another demise, and relive it all over again. But it wasn't long that I realized that God was still in control,and had been telling me for a month now that he would grant my requests. It was definately a lesson in trust. And now even more than ever I realize the HONOR behind getting to carry this healthy baby! To be the womb that nurtures it. What an honor we mom's have. So I choose to be happy, have joy, be glad, and feel that honor even if I never get to sleep past 2am again! hehe!

Back pains will go away, hip discomfort will only last a "moment" but the honor of being this baby's momma will stay with me for eternity! And I am SO very blessed to be able to feel those feelings of happiness, joy, gladness, and honor after feeling the "other" bad feelings. I am just so very blessed to have Ruby as my own, to care for her, to nurture her. What an honor! Thanks, God for finding me worthy enough!

My First Time

Before you stop reading and think what most think when you say "My first time" just remember the title of this blog... MOTHERHOOD! Its not what you think!
Here I am 50ish days from having my 3rd baby, and I feel ecstatic about her arrival. I feel like a little kid that just can't wait for Christmas (which ironically is about the time Ruby will arrive). She is my rainbow baby! I look forward to seeing what has been growing and moving and stealing my heart for the past 7 months! Because I thought she was a boy from the first time I ever dreamed the 3rd child up in my mind, I am stuck as to who she might be. I think I am in for a big surprise, and I CAN'T WAIT!
All this has caused me to reminisce about my FIRST TIME becoming a mother. There was nothing like it. Recently my sister-in-law became a mother for the first time. We waited in the waiting room until the baby was born, and got to see some of her first moments as a mother. There is a saying that says "When a baby is born, so is a mother" and it was such a great day that flooded memories of when I first became a mother. You carry this child for 9 months, you talk to it "Hi, baby, its me MOMMY" but it isn't until that baby comes out, cries and is held in your arms that you become a MOMMY! Your life is totally changed. And I have never loved change more than at that moment.
My eyes swelled with tears, and my chest with pride as I could honestly pronounce that I had become a Mommy! This was MY baby! I grew it, I birthed it, I get to keep it! Then the huge pressure hits... UH! I am A MOMMY!!! How do I hold this tiny thing? (which who are we joking mine are never tiny). How do I FEED this baby? How do I calm this baby? And as stressful as it can be, its still YOURS. And there is something so overcoming about calming him, and feeding him, providing safety for him. And knowing God has trusted you enough to parent him!
With my first things were not easy those first few days. he went over 18 hours refusing to eat. He cried so hard he lost his voice. We did not sleep, he did not sleep. Dave and I both cried a lot. But it never crossed my mind that it wasn't the most glorious couple of days of my life. There is this fear of not being able to do it, then there's a supernatural confidence that tells you "I am a MOM! I can do anything!" We eventually made some decisions that were very hard for me to make (I chose to bottle feed him, *gasp*) and all was good. He just needed to eat, and I guess he chose to eat from a bottle! And life was good again. And I remember thinking that it was the epitome of motherhood. Casting your own desires (for me to nurse) aside for the good of your kids (for him to EAT!). And it felt good to be selfless. It felt empowering to provide ANY way I could for my son! to cuddle him, to snuggle him, to love him... unconditionally.
I watched my sister in law as she held her fragile daughter in her arms and wanted so hard to comfort this crying baby, and I remembered instantly the feeling of becoming a mother. The hardest thing you'll ever LOVE doing (and will venture out to do it time and time... and maybe even time again!). "R" held her tiny baby in her arms and even though she felt she couldn't do it, she instantly calmed that baby! She did what she felt right and that baby felt secure, safe in her momma's arms. There is NOTHING better! No better feeling than becoming a MOM, Mother, Mommy, mamma... lets just say it "SUPERWOMAN!!!"
And although the children that come afterwards are very special in their own little way. And your heart grows with each one, never lacking in love for any of them. There is nothing like your FIRST TIME! When you stopped being YOU, and became MOM for them! Totally and completely amazing! (*** For the record, I am sobbing on the other end of this keyboard... completely sobbing! hehe***)

Emotional Lately??
This pregnancy is so different than the previous ones. And one of the major things that is "VERY NOTICABLE" is how emotional I am. There are days I just want to cry, don't really have a reason to, nor am I sad, or feeling down in the least little bit. However I just wanted to cry, and it won't take much to get me there. For a quick instance, watching the dad hug his daughter after she threw his one and only foul ball caught in the stands, back... that really got me! And for a good 36 hours after hearing the Green team woman from Biggest Loser's story about losing her family I was an emotional wreck!
But what I'd like to focus on here is what I cried about this last Wednesday Night. I take Zech to Cubbies on Wednesday nights. Each week Lily asks to go to. She wants to be a cubby so bad. So when it started up this year I learned there was a class for her age too. Puggles. I checked it out the first night, then came home discussed it with Dave and decided to let her go. Wednesday she got dressed with such delight, talking all the way about going to cubbies, and how much fun she would have. I reminded her that I was not staying but that I'd come back for her. She would frequently repeat the promise that I'd come back, but was confident in her excitement to go. I drop her off, she quickly says "Bye, Mommy!" and goes to play. No need to hug and kiss and prolong it. She knows I will come back. So I leave. My long walk back to my car I am reciting to myself "Don't cry! Don't cry!" I mean, seriously she's going to be there for 90 min. She isn't being raised by someone else, she isn't going EVERY DAY, she will come back to me!!! But as soon as I get in my van I burst into tears. WHY AM I CRYING??? The anxiety was just building up. my kids need this. My kids grow because of this. They may not NEED the spiritual training. That is something they get from us, and from our teachings at church. But they love the separation, the friends, and the independence. They need this to give them more confidence. So I know its a good thing and by staying and hovering, they won't get what they need to get from it. But it really filled me with such anxiety. I am not one of those moms that can't wait to get rid of my kids. I admit that I wouldn't mind time away from them from time to time. But mostly I enjoy being with them, teaching them, and watching over them. This is a dream job for me! And its hard to see them venture out without me. Rewarding to know that they are maturing into well rounded kids, able to socialize away from me, but hard to let them go. And this is such a little letting go... Oh, I hope its just pregnancy hormones!

So much. Brain swelling. mind racing.

Is it possible to have "nesting" but only among thoughts and "planning". I still don't have my 100% energy back, so there is no massive cleaning and organizing going on within the house (although every morning laying in bed my mind is delighting in how nice it would be... the body reminds me NO! when I get up!) But I've been really wanting to make some changes lately. More organized, more frugal, a better mom! I think there is something to being pregnant for a year (well, at this point since January) that changes a person. I didn't feel it with the older two. I felt like pregnancy with them was just something added to my life, it didn't slow me down, nor did it change my habits. However this time around (added with the last one) I am dragging every day. So, I am hoping this kick-start will change routines for us!
Pre-K starts in our home next week. I have new curriculum, the first month's lesson plans and worksheets are printed, labeled, and organized for each days use! I have a todo list, and a check list for purchases! I feel great. I pray it continues each month. I still have the classroom to tidy up and organize and switch around a bit for the "new year". But I am getting excited and a bit nervous as well. (maybe one of these days I will blog about my homeschooling philosophy... it differs from MOST I've met that homeschool... and that makes me feel a bit on the "outside"... but that's another blog!)
I have also begun to clip coupons, check the save big money blogs, and am dedicated to make some money for my family through massive savings! I am getting really excited, and then bummed that until I start getting the Sunday paper I can't save as much. I am organizing each coupon along with post-it notes telling me where to spend it, which store coupon to pair it with, and how to get most things FREE or for less than a quarter. This new adventure is going to take up more time, so that means I have to organize this time of mine even more. Its like I've picked up a few part-time jobs. 4 hrs of teaching a week, plus 2-3 hours finding fugal finds each week plus the added time shopping at the multiple stores. However, I save a preschool tuition bill, and so far without much searching I saved us $100 this month in groceries... so i am making my family money! And its kinda a fun job!
And here I am talking about this organization I am doing in my MIND but when it comes out in the blog I seem so disheveled! hehe! I guess its just what stays inside there that seems organized! I'll get better! (hey, I am just pleased that when I spell checked the word disheveled was spelled correctly... GO ME!)

Meet Ruby Grace

Although she won't be in our arms until late December/early January, we got to see what she kinda looks like! She looks just like Lily if we go by these pictures!
She was curled into such a ball (knees up to her ears) that the tech could barely measure her. But thankfully, I drank a tad of Mountain dew before going in to try to get her moving... it worked. She was adorable!
We thought she was a boy since we knew we were pregnant. We were wrong. And thats fine with us. I love the idea of saying "The girls". I was always one of "The girls" growing up, so I am happy that Lily and Ruby have a sister!
Right now she is "transverse" laying side to side which explains the pain on one side (its her head!!!) But I am smiling big, and thinking about all I can shop for! YAY for girlies!