I am NOT saying what it sounds like...
I just want to make it clear from the beginning that what is about to be said does not mean what most people would think it means...
I miss being pregnant! ha ha! I love every part of it, even when it hurts and causes siatica and leg cramps and FATness, I still love it. My sister-in-law is in town, 26 weeks pregnant. I want to talk about it all the time. I find myself saying things like "When I was pregnant...." Way too much! I want to touch her belly and make the baby move! But I remember "when I was pregnant" I didn't like that, so I didn't ask!
Being around her and having discussions about babies and giving Nick some odds and ends "knowledge" (like not to feed a baby out of the babyfood jar unless you plan on finishing it, or not to put blankets in the crib... or the all important, some baby girls can have mini-periods after birth) has made me appriciate motherhood. It can be so hard, and SO fun! It can be so stressful, and so peaceful. You can be the source of much anger, but also be the one they want when they are hurt.
As I've been writing, Zech has been such a handfull, but this entire week has been WONDERFUL! He has been a big boy, short tantrums and quick learner. He is realizing how much fun things other than tantrums are and he has embraced that. He is the object of the family's attention, smiles, "ahhh"s and entertainment. He's my Zech again. And for me, thats a HUGE success in motherhood.
All that being said, I don't want another baby right now! I'd love it if that is what God surprised us with, but I hold lily and cuddle with her, and I need her to be the baby for a good while. I think she needs to be the baby for a good while. She is just so loveable, so cuddly, so adorable, and halairious! She is hard to describe but I can see something in her that totally amazes me.
I have been learning to seek out the "reasons" or the SONshine in the storms, so I look at Zech's intense personality and praise God for the passion he will have towards his savior, and the anger he will have towards sin. and that gets me through the (almost non-existent) temper tantrums. I look at Lily's constant clinging as how she will cling to her savior. How she won't settle for anything else, and will work her way up to HIM, staying face to face with Him as much as possible. And that gets me through the lack of space for the day.
Oh, how I look forward to my next pregnancy... but Oh, how I bask in the TODAY and the wonderful kids I already have!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
I Just Want to TRY!!!
I gave my husband a huge lecture in the car yesterday about a comment he made "I know I should" in regards to how we need to act as Christians. But then that "should" comment was followed by "I'm not going to". There are times when I think my husband throws fits just as much as my two year old son, just in less of a screaming-and-crying-throwing-yourself-on-the -ground way. However, back to the lecture and the message behind it... My lecture was in esssence telling him how bold it is to say aloud that you know God wants you to behave in such a way as to glorify Him, but you flat out ignore Him... not only ignore Him, but say a big fat NO! to him. You tell God, "Yes, I know you want me to do that... but I WON'T" Isn't that disobedience ending in deliberate sin? (Well, as you all know I LOVE my husband and always watch myself as to not bash him in any way. I admire his honesty, and the way that even though my lecture was more of a womanly reprimand, and probably annoying as all get out... I could tell he did try to do what he should do... and therefore, I am VERY proud of him... not only for listening to ME! But for listening to GOD! But... my husband is NOT what this blog is about...)
I have been praying for guidance when it comes to my son. I think he has the best personality and that his intensity will pay off in the long run. That it will serve him well at whatever he does later on in life. But right now, he is having a really hard time controlling that intense behavior.
I had a dream a few nights ago that is still stuck in my head. A large wolf like person came into his room as he lay asleep and began throwing him against the wall, and hitting him, and hurting him. As I came in the room I rebuked this demon and tried to mend the hurts... but he was not hurt. I was not scared, I was not angry... I just prayed. When I woke up, I was not emotional, I did not run to his bed side like I think I would have had it been a real "BAD" dream. It was almost like God was giving me some insight. However, I am still praying for more of it.
I know I should do more. So I decided I would make the effort and DO more. So I scheduled out my day. I got some chores done during breakfast, got the kids dressed, and got ready myself. Then when Lily went down for a nap I decided to spend some good ole alone time with Zech.
We painted. He threw a massive fit just getting the smock on. Then he calmed down and painted. When that was over we played in the sink to wash off (for over 15 minutes... with the water running) He threw a massive fit getting out of the sink. I got him dressed and picked out some fun books. He ran from me. I followed and read them any way. He listened some, but mainly stayed away and played cars. When I played with him he was angry that I didn't go the right way. I tried.
We had a blast dancing and playing before dinner. I was so pleased. I'd forgot about the morning. He played at Kids Club... was a perfect angel! We went to the park, he met a new friend... He was VERY nice to the boy. He shared his goldfish with his sister, held her on the swings, laughed, slid down the HUGE slide... HEAD FIRST (scared Mommy!). And I was high on pride for him!
So I thought it'd be nice to go to the store just the two of us. He threw a fit the entire time we were in the store. I tried!
Then we came home, and he went straight to bed. However an hour later he was still playing. I opened his door and asked if he'd like to have a special treat and get up and take a shower with Mommy. He was so excited. Acted so grown up. "Oh, yeah, Mommy. I need a shower." As soon as we get in there, he starts screaming hysterically! I can't figure it out. Maybe its just alone time with Mommy! But, Lord, I am trying! And I want so bad to succeed! I will follow YOU, O Lord! And if you want me to, I will try again tomorrow!
I gave my husband a huge lecture in the car yesterday about a comment he made "I know I should" in regards to how we need to act as Christians. But then that "should" comment was followed by "I'm not going to". There are times when I think my husband throws fits just as much as my two year old son, just in less of a screaming-and-crying-throwing-yourself-on-the -ground way. However, back to the lecture and the message behind it... My lecture was in esssence telling him how bold it is to say aloud that you know God wants you to behave in such a way as to glorify Him, but you flat out ignore Him... not only ignore Him, but say a big fat NO! to him. You tell God, "Yes, I know you want me to do that... but I WON'T" Isn't that disobedience ending in deliberate sin? (Well, as you all know I LOVE my husband and always watch myself as to not bash him in any way. I admire his honesty, and the way that even though my lecture was more of a womanly reprimand, and probably annoying as all get out... I could tell he did try to do what he should do... and therefore, I am VERY proud of him... not only for listening to ME! But for listening to GOD! But... my husband is NOT what this blog is about...)
I have been praying for guidance when it comes to my son. I think he has the best personality and that his intensity will pay off in the long run. That it will serve him well at whatever he does later on in life. But right now, he is having a really hard time controlling that intense behavior.
I had a dream a few nights ago that is still stuck in my head. A large wolf like person came into his room as he lay asleep and began throwing him against the wall, and hitting him, and hurting him. As I came in the room I rebuked this demon and tried to mend the hurts... but he was not hurt. I was not scared, I was not angry... I just prayed. When I woke up, I was not emotional, I did not run to his bed side like I think I would have had it been a real "BAD" dream. It was almost like God was giving me some insight. However, I am still praying for more of it.
I know I should do more. So I decided I would make the effort and DO more. So I scheduled out my day. I got some chores done during breakfast, got the kids dressed, and got ready myself. Then when Lily went down for a nap I decided to spend some good ole alone time with Zech.
We painted. He threw a massive fit just getting the smock on. Then he calmed down and painted. When that was over we played in the sink to wash off (for over 15 minutes... with the water running) He threw a massive fit getting out of the sink. I got him dressed and picked out some fun books. He ran from me. I followed and read them any way. He listened some, but mainly stayed away and played cars. When I played with him he was angry that I didn't go the right way. I tried.
We had a blast dancing and playing before dinner. I was so pleased. I'd forgot about the morning. He played at Kids Club... was a perfect angel! We went to the park, he met a new friend... He was VERY nice to the boy. He shared his goldfish with his sister, held her on the swings, laughed, slid down the HUGE slide... HEAD FIRST (scared Mommy!). And I was high on pride for him!
So I thought it'd be nice to go to the store just the two of us. He threw a fit the entire time we were in the store. I tried!
Then we came home, and he went straight to bed. However an hour later he was still playing. I opened his door and asked if he'd like to have a special treat and get up and take a shower with Mommy. He was so excited. Acted so grown up. "Oh, yeah, Mommy. I need a shower." As soon as we get in there, he starts screaming hysterically! I can't figure it out. Maybe its just alone time with Mommy! But, Lord, I am trying! And I want so bad to succeed! I will follow YOU, O Lord! And if you want me to, I will try again tomorrow!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
CUTE
I wanted to jot down some of the cute things that have been happening lately, before I forget them all... but this is the closest thing to "jotting" that I can get to...
ZECH:
His phrases are halairious-- "Uh, What'd you say?", "What are you talking about?" in the most adorable little attitude.
We went to Oma and Opa's this week to avoid the windows guys and Zech was hollering for Rachel, he yells "Rajigga! Rajigga, where are you?" Then goes and looks for her... in the toilet. He is intently looking down the toilet yelling "Rajigga, you down there?" It was so cute!
My new saying for him is "I will listen" when he gets out of his room for not listening. So we are heading to play group and I say "Are you going to be a good boy and be a good listener at play group?" He says in complete sentence with perfect pronunciation "I will be a good listener at play group, mommy!" And he was!
We watched Dr. Phil and he was convinced it was Papa. He actually argued with me. Finally he conceeded, "It's Octer Phil!" and daily says "Its not Papa, its octer phil"
He walks up to the oldest lady in church and calls her Oma. Oma is a young woman, so he must already make the connection that oma means grandma. He made the lady very happy!
He sits at the table and re-enacts scenes from Toy Story or Little Eistiens. He likes to pretent to shake a ball, get angry at it, throw it then react to the ball knocking a toy off the shelf (all this done with NO props) then yells for buzz's help. Or he likes to sing a made up song about the purple plane from Little Einsteins that day.
He made up some silly joke at the table the other day and made Lily crack up, so in turn Dave and I cracked up. So now he is constantly telling this joke... it goes like this... "WATER-JUICE!"... pretty halairious huh? He sure thinks so!
There are more but its getting late!
here are a few quick ones from Lily
LILY--
She likes to fake cough and grunt to get your attention. Then she laughs when you look at her. She is starting to fake whine/cry just to get you to play with her. Then she bounces around like a monkey.
Tonight she got up on her knees and tried to scoot to daddy, laughing the entire time! She also likes to stand and then "jump" as I sing "Jump, jump, jump for Jesus". She bends her knees and stands as a jump.
Every night at the table she just randomly laughs to get Zech to do something to make her laugh even harder. They are the cutest!
Well, my husband is waiting for me so we can watch a movie! Gotta go!
I wanted to jot down some of the cute things that have been happening lately, before I forget them all... but this is the closest thing to "jotting" that I can get to...
ZECH:
His phrases are halairious-- "Uh, What'd you say?", "What are you talking about?" in the most adorable little attitude.
We went to Oma and Opa's this week to avoid the windows guys and Zech was hollering for Rachel, he yells "Rajigga! Rajigga, where are you?" Then goes and looks for her... in the toilet. He is intently looking down the toilet yelling "Rajigga, you down there?" It was so cute!
My new saying for him is "I will listen" when he gets out of his room for not listening. So we are heading to play group and I say "Are you going to be a good boy and be a good listener at play group?" He says in complete sentence with perfect pronunciation "I will be a good listener at play group, mommy!" And he was!
We watched Dr. Phil and he was convinced it was Papa. He actually argued with me. Finally he conceeded, "It's Octer Phil!" and daily says "Its not Papa, its octer phil"
He walks up to the oldest lady in church and calls her Oma. Oma is a young woman, so he must already make the connection that oma means grandma. He made the lady very happy!
He sits at the table and re-enacts scenes from Toy Story or Little Eistiens. He likes to pretent to shake a ball, get angry at it, throw it then react to the ball knocking a toy off the shelf (all this done with NO props) then yells for buzz's help. Or he likes to sing a made up song about the purple plane from Little Einsteins that day.
He made up some silly joke at the table the other day and made Lily crack up, so in turn Dave and I cracked up. So now he is constantly telling this joke... it goes like this... "WATER-JUICE!"... pretty halairious huh? He sure thinks so!
There are more but its getting late!
here are a few quick ones from Lily
LILY--
She likes to fake cough and grunt to get your attention. Then she laughs when you look at her. She is starting to fake whine/cry just to get you to play with her. Then she bounces around like a monkey.
Tonight she got up on her knees and tried to scoot to daddy, laughing the entire time! She also likes to stand and then "jump" as I sing "Jump, jump, jump for Jesus". She bends her knees and stands as a jump.
Every night at the table she just randomly laughs to get Zech to do something to make her laugh even harder. They are the cutest!
Well, my husband is waiting for me so we can watch a movie! Gotta go!
GUILT
Why do moms always have to feel guilty... or maybe its just me! Why do I always have to feel guilty. This may go on for awhile. I haven't blogged in a long time!
About two weeks ago, I had asked my wonderful husband when he'd be home the next day. He gives me this "between 3 and 5" answer! What kind of answer is that. I can hear in his voice that he is peaved at the even mention of it. So I ask him why he's upset. He goes on to say a bunch of stuff that prompts me to remind him that when he works late, I work late. Then he says it... "But you get nap time!" Oh, it was gone. My "trying- to -say- everything- in- a -good -tone" moment was gone! I reminded him that nap time is cleaning time. And dinner preparation time, and that not always do both kids nap at the same time. And hold on... do you know what he said next (or sometime in the conversation)? "For someone who has her 'dream' job, you sure do complain all the time". I completely lost it. I wanted him hurt. I wanted to beat him up. I wanted him to leave, but still stay there to hear me scream at him! Zech is going through one of the roughest times and when I vent to my co-parent, I am labeled a complainer! We argued some and I said it'd be different if I had another parent working with me. I didn't mean it as mean as I am sure it came out (and I am sure at the moment I wanted it to sound mean). But as we semi-appologized I told him I didn't mean it completely. I meant that during the day I have to make decisions immediately... its MUCH different than his job... and its not just a job for me, these are MY kids, HIS kids! He says he didn't mean all the time...
Well, since then, I can't keep myself from feeling an intense guilt. I know that the argument is over, I have even talked to him a bit about it the other night. But if I am not cleaning or mothering, or doing something I feel like he is looking at me like I am a slacker. I asked him to clean the kitchen today and it took everything in me to lay on the couch and rest (I had cleaned the other rooms). I was so afraid he thought it was my job and that I was lazy.
So, I am dealing with that. the argument is over, I am not mad at him. I know it was a heated discussion that things were said out of anger, and that my "job" lasts MUCH longer than his 8 hours, and so be it. I am not complaining or comparing. But I feel guilty everytime I feel like I need a break.
So... I joined a gym. One hour a day away from the kids. I LOVE it! but of course, you guessed it. I am fighting my guilt for putting them in daycare for a measly one hour. I think of the time it takes out of our morning or afternoon and feel like I am cheating them... BUT I can reasonable remind myself that the hour a day helps with Lily's separation anxiety and Zech social skills. What a great thing I am giving to my children. So why feel guilty? I feel like I should rush through the workout so I can go get them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I won't do it. And I know I am irrational. So that's a good step, knowing a am completely insane!
So I pray... there is no room for guilt. I let God convict me and the guilt can go back to hell with its author!
Why do moms always have to feel guilty... or maybe its just me! Why do I always have to feel guilty. This may go on for awhile. I haven't blogged in a long time!
About two weeks ago, I had asked my wonderful husband when he'd be home the next day. He gives me this "between 3 and 5" answer! What kind of answer is that. I can hear in his voice that he is peaved at the even mention of it. So I ask him why he's upset. He goes on to say a bunch of stuff that prompts me to remind him that when he works late, I work late. Then he says it... "But you get nap time!" Oh, it was gone. My "trying- to -say- everything- in- a -good -tone" moment was gone! I reminded him that nap time is cleaning time. And dinner preparation time, and that not always do both kids nap at the same time. And hold on... do you know what he said next (or sometime in the conversation)? "For someone who has her 'dream' job, you sure do complain all the time". I completely lost it. I wanted him hurt. I wanted to beat him up. I wanted him to leave, but still stay there to hear me scream at him! Zech is going through one of the roughest times and when I vent to my co-parent, I am labeled a complainer! We argued some and I said it'd be different if I had another parent working with me. I didn't mean it as mean as I am sure it came out (and I am sure at the moment I wanted it to sound mean). But as we semi-appologized I told him I didn't mean it completely. I meant that during the day I have to make decisions immediately... its MUCH different than his job... and its not just a job for me, these are MY kids, HIS kids! He says he didn't mean all the time...
Well, since then, I can't keep myself from feeling an intense guilt. I know that the argument is over, I have even talked to him a bit about it the other night. But if I am not cleaning or mothering, or doing something I feel like he is looking at me like I am a slacker. I asked him to clean the kitchen today and it took everything in me to lay on the couch and rest (I had cleaned the other rooms). I was so afraid he thought it was my job and that I was lazy.
So, I am dealing with that. the argument is over, I am not mad at him. I know it was a heated discussion that things were said out of anger, and that my "job" lasts MUCH longer than his 8 hours, and so be it. I am not complaining or comparing. But I feel guilty everytime I feel like I need a break.
So... I joined a gym. One hour a day away from the kids. I LOVE it! but of course, you guessed it. I am fighting my guilt for putting them in daycare for a measly one hour. I think of the time it takes out of our morning or afternoon and feel like I am cheating them... BUT I can reasonable remind myself that the hour a day helps with Lily's separation anxiety and Zech social skills. What a great thing I am giving to my children. So why feel guilty? I feel like I should rush through the workout so I can go get them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I won't do it. And I know I am irrational. So that's a good step, knowing a am completely insane!
So I pray... there is no room for guilt. I let God convict me and the guilt can go back to hell with its author!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Before...
Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been
puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known
the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
I got that off someone's MySpace. And there is so much I could add, and some I could correct for me!
Let's make some corrections:
I never knew I would love being a Mom.-- I loved being a mom before I was a mom. I lived so many silly moments in my head... what I didn't know was that those moments were just in my head, that its so much more REAL!, but I always knew I'd love it this much! What a blessing! And the most wonderful job ever!
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.-- Ya know...I was surprised, but I never did this. I never got up to "double check". We prayed over our kids everynight (and still do for lily) that God would be their breath, that they would take each breath as God needed them to, and I left it in His hands. There was nothing more I could do. So I went to bed, and trusted that if God needed me to run in and get them, He'd let me know. And for Zech, he did. I woke rather abruptly with the feeling "GO CHECK!" I ran in there and he was caught in his bumper face first. I removed the bumper, thanked God and went to bed. (this goes along with my first addition to the list)
Here are my additions:
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know what complete trust in God was!
I had never craved other mother's company before.
I had never talked about my or anyone elses breasts before (it happens in almost every play group, someone is discussing their breasts!)
I had never looked so far into the future with so much anticipation.
I had never really thought of who we voted in as president until I realized that he was in charge of the world MY kids lived in.
I never carried a purse... let alone a suitcase everywhere I went.
And I never blogged about ONE topic for so long! he he
Boy, I love being a mom!
Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been
puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known
the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
I got that off someone's MySpace. And there is so much I could add, and some I could correct for me!
Let's make some corrections:
I never knew I would love being a Mom.-- I loved being a mom before I was a mom. I lived so many silly moments in my head... what I didn't know was that those moments were just in my head, that its so much more REAL!, but I always knew I'd love it this much! What a blessing! And the most wonderful job ever!
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.-- Ya know...I was surprised, but I never did this. I never got up to "double check". We prayed over our kids everynight (and still do for lily) that God would be their breath, that they would take each breath as God needed them to, and I left it in His hands. There was nothing more I could do. So I went to bed, and trusted that if God needed me to run in and get them, He'd let me know. And for Zech, he did. I woke rather abruptly with the feeling "GO CHECK!" I ran in there and he was caught in his bumper face first. I removed the bumper, thanked God and went to bed. (this goes along with my first addition to the list)
Here are my additions:
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know what complete trust in God was!
I had never craved other mother's company before.
I had never talked about my or anyone elses breasts before (it happens in almost every play group, someone is discussing their breasts!)
I had never looked so far into the future with so much anticipation.
I had never really thought of who we voted in as president until I realized that he was in charge of the world MY kids lived in.
I never carried a purse... let alone a suitcase everywhere I went.
And I never blogged about ONE topic for so long! he he
Boy, I love being a mom!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow I am declaring a day off! HA HA! Tonight we had a concert on the lawn. I loved the concert and the people on the lawn... and as unfortunate as this is... All I could do was pray to God that He'd bring my Zech back!
It was a beautiful night. The music was great. I couldn't tell you one song they sang, my head was in a fog. My wonderful little boy has left the building. He ran from me at every chance. Refused to listen when I talked, and even hit and pulled my hair. Dave seemed to get peaved at me for getting upset, but Dave doesn't go through what I do day in and day out. I see kids that misbehave... its usually from parents who haven't taught their kids obedience, or they are not consistent with the consequences... I have done nothing but that. I have given reasonable boundaries, I have given the same consequences for the same behavior... and nothing works. I feel utterly hopeless... but I can handle that.
I just miss my son! I want to have fun with him. Hug on him, love on him. I am TIRED! I don't want to raise my voice, I don't want to spank, I don't want to run after him praying he won't run onto the highway. I am Tired! I feel like I pull on his arms, shirt, leg constantly to get him to go and stay where I need him. I miss my fun boy! Where is he!? I am tired!
Lord, my prayer has always been for him to Hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. I have always asked that he find delight in doing good. That he is a good listener and an even better obey-er. That he would learn to behave in such a way that it comes naturally that he would listen and obey you. I am scared. I am just so scared. I don't want him to run from you, to fight your every command. To defy your guidelines. Please, God, Help him. Bring him back! I have always said he is the most obedient wild child. He may run and jump and play wild, but he has always been a great obedient boy. Bring that baby back to me! Give me clues. I need techniques and strategies so I can teach him. Lord, let this be a reflection of how his relationship with you will be. One that is quick to obey, and that does so out of joy. That is what I pray for Zech. He needs your touch. I need your touch. I am tired. I feel so weary, and I am afraid I will fall. I don't know how long I can stand. Be my legs, be my mind, be my strength. I need you so bad!--
Tomorrow I am declaring a day off! HA HA! Tonight we had a concert on the lawn. I loved the concert and the people on the lawn... and as unfortunate as this is... All I could do was pray to God that He'd bring my Zech back!
It was a beautiful night. The music was great. I couldn't tell you one song they sang, my head was in a fog. My wonderful little boy has left the building. He ran from me at every chance. Refused to listen when I talked, and even hit and pulled my hair. Dave seemed to get peaved at me for getting upset, but Dave doesn't go through what I do day in and day out. I see kids that misbehave... its usually from parents who haven't taught their kids obedience, or they are not consistent with the consequences... I have done nothing but that. I have given reasonable boundaries, I have given the same consequences for the same behavior... and nothing works. I feel utterly hopeless... but I can handle that.
I just miss my son! I want to have fun with him. Hug on him, love on him. I am TIRED! I don't want to raise my voice, I don't want to spank, I don't want to run after him praying he won't run onto the highway. I am Tired! I feel like I pull on his arms, shirt, leg constantly to get him to go and stay where I need him. I miss my fun boy! Where is he!? I am tired!
Lord, my prayer has always been for him to Hate what is evil and to cling to what is good. I have always asked that he find delight in doing good. That he is a good listener and an even better obey-er. That he would learn to behave in such a way that it comes naturally that he would listen and obey you. I am scared. I am just so scared. I don't want him to run from you, to fight your every command. To defy your guidelines. Please, God, Help him. Bring him back! I have always said he is the most obedient wild child. He may run and jump and play wild, but he has always been a great obedient boy. Bring that baby back to me! Give me clues. I need techniques and strategies so I can teach him. Lord, let this be a reflection of how his relationship with you will be. One that is quick to obey, and that does so out of joy. That is what I pray for Zech. He needs your touch. I need your touch. I am tired. I feel so weary, and I am afraid I will fall. I don't know how long I can stand. Be my legs, be my mind, be my strength. I need you so bad!--
Friday, June 15, 2007
Bad Mother!
I know that for the MOST part I do not consider myself a bad mother. I feel good about the fact that I make a conscious effort to be the best Mom I can on a daily basis... but it didn't work today! Without any excuses, I will not list what Zech did... it doesn't matter, I was NOT a good mom today. I hate yelling. I hate what my voice sounded like as I did it, and I hate that I failed in a split second. That I didn't take time to love on someone I love with every last fiber in my being! I hate that my anger was taken out on a tiny baby boy. I never spank in anger. I know that my hands can express the anger and could hurt him, so I have and will NEVER do it! But I have never heard myself as I did today. I have cried most of the day because of it.
I always say, "Lord, Just let the good things always make the few bad things in my parenting fade away." And I prayed that with all my heart today. Even when I stopped to pray and felt undercontrol, I lost it again. It is not who I want to be, or who I EVER want to become. My house should be a safe haven. That is what I have always felt God has called our house to be. To youth, to church members, to my husband, to my children. I can't imagine what he felt as I screamed at him. And it literally tears me up inside. I
I have asked forgiveness many times. And I know that some kids have it WAY worse. They are hit and kicked and abused. But I won't say "I only yelled" because in the standard God has put on me, I disobeyed! I did what I know God has called me to be above. I am not trying to be "holier than thou" I am just saying that I KNOW God has called me to be a mother who acts in the way HE wants me to act. And screaming at my kid is not one of them. These children are gifts from God, how dare I! And again, I ask forgiveness. I know He forgives, and I know from the great and wonderful hugs and kisses and fun we've had since, Zech forgives. But I have not let go yet. And maybe for a reason. Maybe God is allowing me to be sensitive so I will always remember THAT incident, the look on Zech's face, the tears on his shirt, the hug afterwards, so I will remember that they are babies. That deserve nothing but my love and guidance. And that it is my obligation to protect them from ever having to be yelled at by anyone, let alone me!
So, I appologize to God, and to my son! I will do my VERY hardest to NEVER do that again!
I know that for the MOST part I do not consider myself a bad mother. I feel good about the fact that I make a conscious effort to be the best Mom I can on a daily basis... but it didn't work today! Without any excuses, I will not list what Zech did... it doesn't matter, I was NOT a good mom today. I hate yelling. I hate what my voice sounded like as I did it, and I hate that I failed in a split second. That I didn't take time to love on someone I love with every last fiber in my being! I hate that my anger was taken out on a tiny baby boy. I never spank in anger. I know that my hands can express the anger and could hurt him, so I have and will NEVER do it! But I have never heard myself as I did today. I have cried most of the day because of it.
I always say, "Lord, Just let the good things always make the few bad things in my parenting fade away." And I prayed that with all my heart today. Even when I stopped to pray and felt undercontrol, I lost it again. It is not who I want to be, or who I EVER want to become. My house should be a safe haven. That is what I have always felt God has called our house to be. To youth, to church members, to my husband, to my children. I can't imagine what he felt as I screamed at him. And it literally tears me up inside. I
I have asked forgiveness many times. And I know that some kids have it WAY worse. They are hit and kicked and abused. But I won't say "I only yelled" because in the standard God has put on me, I disobeyed! I did what I know God has called me to be above. I am not trying to be "holier than thou" I am just saying that I KNOW God has called me to be a mother who acts in the way HE wants me to act. And screaming at my kid is not one of them. These children are gifts from God, how dare I! And again, I ask forgiveness. I know He forgives, and I know from the great and wonderful hugs and kisses and fun we've had since, Zech forgives. But I have not let go yet. And maybe for a reason. Maybe God is allowing me to be sensitive so I will always remember THAT incident, the look on Zech's face, the tears on his shirt, the hug afterwards, so I will remember that they are babies. That deserve nothing but my love and guidance. And that it is my obligation to protect them from ever having to be yelled at by anyone, let alone me!
So, I appologize to God, and to my son! I will do my VERY hardest to NEVER do that again!
Monday, June 11, 2007
SO WHAT!!!
So what, most of my blogs are about potty training! We made the mistake of taking a break for the weekend! Zech was not happy to resume potty training this morning. He fought me hard! I cried. He cried... Dave got on the internet! Yeah, I am still a bit peaved... but I emailed him and politely asked him not to do that EVER again!
I've been praying instead of losing it. I keep the smile on my face and grit my teeth underneath! I read the book on how to do it in 4 hours. As I read it I had my doubts. It sounds like Lily could do it. But a stubborn boy like Zech... ah, no! We are supposed to stay in one room and do nothing but potty train all day. We talk about dry pants, eat snacks and drink drinks and check our pants with the only interruption being going to the potty chair every 15 min. Zech can't stand to stay in one room. He wanted his toys, and he HATED when I mentioned his underware! Even if he was dry! He hated to sit on the potty and he hated to clean up his mess. So I eased up on the dry pants talk. Let him play a bit and still encouraged the snacks and drinks. He held it until I put him on the potty, screamed when I made him attempt to pull up his pants... but a majority of the time, he pottied in the pot. Not the potty chair like the book says... he refused! But in the big potty... And he gets down flushes and washes hands. Thats fine with me. He was dry for over 3 hours. He is napping in undies. And once he even came and got me to take him... and once he held it from his room to the living room potty without an accident! (I tried to put him on the potty right by his room, but it didn't have the child seat, so he waited until he got to the other one!)
My goal (and my prayer) is to keep on him, going every 15 min. Even after nap and all day tomorrow... then testing it and seeing if we can go to Oma's house on Wed. so we can practice away from home (but still in someone's home)... God! Help me!!!
And expect more potty blogs!!!
So what, most of my blogs are about potty training! We made the mistake of taking a break for the weekend! Zech was not happy to resume potty training this morning. He fought me hard! I cried. He cried... Dave got on the internet! Yeah, I am still a bit peaved... but I emailed him and politely asked him not to do that EVER again!
I've been praying instead of losing it. I keep the smile on my face and grit my teeth underneath! I read the book on how to do it in 4 hours. As I read it I had my doubts. It sounds like Lily could do it. But a stubborn boy like Zech... ah, no! We are supposed to stay in one room and do nothing but potty train all day. We talk about dry pants, eat snacks and drink drinks and check our pants with the only interruption being going to the potty chair every 15 min. Zech can't stand to stay in one room. He wanted his toys, and he HATED when I mentioned his underware! Even if he was dry! He hated to sit on the potty and he hated to clean up his mess. So I eased up on the dry pants talk. Let him play a bit and still encouraged the snacks and drinks. He held it until I put him on the potty, screamed when I made him attempt to pull up his pants... but a majority of the time, he pottied in the pot. Not the potty chair like the book says... he refused! But in the big potty... And he gets down flushes and washes hands. Thats fine with me. He was dry for over 3 hours. He is napping in undies. And once he even came and got me to take him... and once he held it from his room to the living room potty without an accident! (I tried to put him on the potty right by his room, but it didn't have the child seat, so he waited until he got to the other one!)
My goal (and my prayer) is to keep on him, going every 15 min. Even after nap and all day tomorrow... then testing it and seeing if we can go to Oma's house on Wed. so we can practice away from home (but still in someone's home)... God! Help me!!!
And expect more potty blogs!!!
Friday, June 08, 2007
By Golly... I think its catching on!!!!
Its 10:30 and so far dry undies!!! He is showing signs when he has to go (grabing himself, whining or coming to get me) and he's successfully gone pee pee 5 times this morning. I am very impressed. Like I said, I think he's a fast learner and he will catch on. Not to mention the amount of time in prayer!
Well, as I typed this... he grabbed himself a bit too late and peed in the floor... Oh well!!! 5 times to one isn't bad!
Its 10:30 and so far dry undies!!! He is showing signs when he has to go (grabing himself, whining or coming to get me) and he's successfully gone pee pee 5 times this morning. I am very impressed. Like I said, I think he's a fast learner and he will catch on. Not to mention the amount of time in prayer!
Well, as I typed this... he grabbed himself a bit too late and peed in the floor... Oh well!!! 5 times to one isn't bad!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Potty Training!!!
Yipee... I mean, oh-my-goodness, this is frustrating! I wanted to do the potty training in a day, but didn't get the book yet. So we tried anyway. We've been giving salty snacks (not that interested) and sugary, fun drinks (tea, lemonade, juice). I put him on the potty every 15 min until he pees then go 30 min. He hates leaving his game to sit on the toilet. But we've been singing songs, reading books, playing with flashcards... nothing, nada, zip! He pees 5 min after he gets down! Or, I miss it because I am feeding Lily and he goes 20 min instead. AHHHH! And its only been 5 hours! I am doing laundry, he's almost out of shorts. I have faith that it will get better. He's been a fast learning on most everything else. And did I honestly think he'd be potty trained by a trainer that knows NOTHING in 5 hours. NO! So we continue... no more diapers!!! And I mean it!
Yipee... I mean, oh-my-goodness, this is frustrating! I wanted to do the potty training in a day, but didn't get the book yet. So we tried anyway. We've been giving salty snacks (not that interested) and sugary, fun drinks (tea, lemonade, juice). I put him on the potty every 15 min until he pees then go 30 min. He hates leaving his game to sit on the toilet. But we've been singing songs, reading books, playing with flashcards... nothing, nada, zip! He pees 5 min after he gets down! Or, I miss it because I am feeding Lily and he goes 20 min instead. AHHHH! And its only been 5 hours! I am doing laundry, he's almost out of shorts. I have faith that it will get better. He's been a fast learning on most everything else. And did I honestly think he'd be potty trained by a trainer that knows NOTHING in 5 hours. NO! So we continue... no more diapers!!! And I mean it!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The Ciske Vacation!
I thought it was a rock until it moved. Zech was just as amazed. We saw elephants and butterflies... one landed on my sholder, Zechs expression was priceless!
Day 1: We got to St. Louis, couldn't check in to the hotel, the money we deposited in our new account WASN'T counted as it was supposed to so we had no money! We went to the mall for dinner and to let Zech get off some energy, then went to my moms. Good thing she loves us. Other than seeing the kids with their Pops and Mimi... that was the first day.
Day 2: We went to church at Christian Chapel. The sermon was good. He's a good preacher, we were just tired. And the 2nd point didn't start until 40 min into the sermon... but it was good. We took a good afternoon nap, and "hung out".
Day 3: We went to a BBQ at my friends. It was like a reunion... it was wonderful! I miss those people like mad! I love where I am, but I always loved it here... mainly because of the people. I can't always tell if they love me or if their love for Dave rubs off and overflows to me. Either way, I love that they love my family! We stayed the night at our friends. So nice of them. Zech loved having the sleepover, even if the girls were a bit too loud during Seasame Street. 
He wanted them to come with us the next day... they wanted to come too. I wish they could have, I just adore that family!
Lily made a friend too. Aren't they cute!? Lily wanted that pacifier!He wanted them to come with us the next day... they wanted to come too. I wish they could have, I just adore that family!Day 4: the ZOO!!! We didn't see all that we wanted too. The zoo slogan is "Come out and play" but the animals didn't do their part! We wanted to see the Rhinos... it was gone. we did see a Hippo. It was hidden.Can yousee it?
I thought it was a rock until it moved. Zech was just as amazed. We saw elephants and butterflies... one landed on my sholder, Zechs expression was priceless!It was getting pretty hot! The kids were a bit crabby towards the end, and of all things, I ran out of battery on my camera! DEVASTATING!!! So we skipped the arch and went to the mall. Zech was tired!
That night Lily started running a very high fever. We didn't have a theremometer, but I could feel her poor hot head! the night was a rough one... even with tylonol. I just wanted to cry. i can't stand to have sick kids!
Day 5: We went to the Magic House. It is a wonderful place for kids. I was so excited. Zech had a rough time. He pushed tiny babies down for looking at him wrong. We made sure we kept our cool and got our $22 worth (we did, its a great place) and left about 2 hours after we arrived. Zech liked the water best.
Lily's fever was 102.2. And Zech got a spanking for being so bad! I sat on the phone with my doctor, the insurance company and the nurse's line for a bit more than hour to find out where the line is drawn where she's safe and when she needs to go to the ER. One last dose of Tylenol and the fever was gone. By bed time she was as good as new! Then Zech felt warm... 104.6! The motrin brought it right down, but again we had a rough night. We are thinking of checking out early if we have to stay home with a sick kid.
Day 6. Zech's fever seems to be fine as long as he keeps motrin in him. So we are going to attempt the Science Center with my parents today. Lily is feeling much better...
Zech is fine, but I still don't think he feels the best. It was fun though. He saw a huge T-Rex and we found that he is actually scared of something.
Day 7: We met our old pastors for lunch. they are such wonderful people and I miss them so much. I don't know why I don't stay in touch with them. They have always treated us like family. Then we headed back to my parents where the weather was perfect for swimming. Aren't they so cute in their suits??
Day 8: Monica Graduated! She sat there through 640 graduates... she should get a prize for that.
Day 9: What a day! It was almost the best one! We went to St. Peter's AG in the morning. It was so refreshing. It just kept that memory alive for me... something to continue to pray for as our church grows. Then at night we went to Trinity. It was a time of closure for us. It was so nice to see everyone as they wondered how it was possible for us to have TWO kids. It was a blast.
Well, thats it in a nut shell... was a bit pressed for time. We are still recovering... But I have jotted stuff down that I really want to blog about... so stay tuned!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Philipians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
I've found myself using this verse a lot. For instance, I would get anxious over the American Idol finale. I would find myself praying for Blake Lewis, then realizing it was just a show... but I had already prayed, there can't be any harm in that, just a bit silly.
This time it was our finances that weren't being counted in our account. It came across my mind many times. I prayed each time. "Just let it be there!"
Dave checked last night and its all there... even the $40 that wasn't supposed to be added until friday. There is no reason why it should be added in the middle of a holiday weekend. But it did! God is good, and we can let out a sigh of relief!
Plus, we booked a nice hotel for our last night of vacation for $34. We saved some moola!!!
Today we head to our friend's house for a Trinity youth reunion! We are SO excited! just a couple more hours! I will update next weekend! we are looking forward to the rain staying away and us having a blast!!!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
I've found myself using this verse a lot. For instance, I would get anxious over the American Idol finale. I would find myself praying for Blake Lewis, then realizing it was just a show... but I had already prayed, there can't be any harm in that, just a bit silly.
This time it was our finances that weren't being counted in our account. It came across my mind many times. I prayed each time. "Just let it be there!"
Dave checked last night and its all there... even the $40 that wasn't supposed to be added until friday. There is no reason why it should be added in the middle of a holiday weekend. But it did! God is good, and we can let out a sigh of relief!
Plus, we booked a nice hotel for our last night of vacation for $34. We saved some moola!!!
Today we head to our friend's house for a Trinity youth reunion! We are SO excited! just a couple more hours! I will update next weekend! we are looking forward to the rain staying away and us having a blast!!!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Our Vacation Vow
Before we left for vacation (yesterday) Dave and I vowed to not get huffy, not get over frustrated, and to overlook many annoyances. Its hard for kids to be off schedule and away from home, they just might act up (as well as adults). So, knowing that in advance we already spoke about keeping ourselves in check.
We get to St. Louis after a very great drive. It went by very fast (even though it was the day of the Ciske Kid's Poop Day! and we had to stop for poopy diapers a lot!). We arrived at our hotel to find that the money we had deposited in our new bank account was still not registering. So we had no hotel. I could see it in Dave's eyes has he came out rubbing his temples. I had to do my very best to assure him it would be okay. We could go to my moms until the money comes in on tuesday. We called our friends and we are going to stay at their house on Monday night. If we dropped one night at the hotel it would cover the gas of driving to my moms. All is well. sure we have NO money for the weekend. Dave did well. I know its hard for him to let my parents pay for things, and to rely on them (some male pride thing that he thinks shows he can't provide for his family). But as hard as I know it is for him to tame his frustrations, he mastered it well.
We will head back to St. Louis on monday. No biggie. All well on the Ciske front!
Before we left for vacation (yesterday) Dave and I vowed to not get huffy, not get over frustrated, and to overlook many annoyances. Its hard for kids to be off schedule and away from home, they just might act up (as well as adults). So, knowing that in advance we already spoke about keeping ourselves in check.
We get to St. Louis after a very great drive. It went by very fast (even though it was the day of the Ciske Kid's Poop Day! and we had to stop for poopy diapers a lot!). We arrived at our hotel to find that the money we had deposited in our new bank account was still not registering. So we had no hotel. I could see it in Dave's eyes has he came out rubbing his temples. I had to do my very best to assure him it would be okay. We could go to my moms until the money comes in on tuesday. We called our friends and we are going to stay at their house on Monday night. If we dropped one night at the hotel it would cover the gas of driving to my moms. All is well. sure we have NO money for the weekend. Dave did well. I know its hard for him to let my parents pay for things, and to rely on them (some male pride thing that he thinks shows he can't provide for his family). But as hard as I know it is for him to tame his frustrations, he mastered it well.
We will head back to St. Louis on monday. No biggie. All well on the Ciske front!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Black Mess
I only get 5 minutes in the shower. Thats it. I wash and do my thing very quickly... I would never imagine that when I get out, this is what I should find:
He made his bath water turn black.
When I found him and gasped in astonishment, he reassured me that he had not drawn on the walls. "Not on the Wall". Too cute!
And I was just telling Dave last night how I thought tattoos all over someone's body was trashy looking. I don't know if I'd call it trashy!
I do know that I would never leave a black marker laying around... it had to have been someone else!
But if you want to see him all cleaned up... check this out:
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Look how they grow
So, why not take some of Lily too...
Then as I took them, Zech wanted to try again... not quiet the same! Look at the difference...
I took some pictures of Zech when he was about 10 days sky of being 6 months in Dave's guitar case... I loved them.
So, why not take some of Lily too... Then as I took them, Zech wanted to try again... not quiet the same! Look at the difference...
And check this one out... he's definately not a 5 month old anymore!
To Rachel
I say this is to Rachel, even though I don't think she reads it... but to anyone that is like Rachel (or Ra-Jigga, as said in our house) This is for them!
You say at age 22 that you want a baby. They are so fun and cuddly... because when you see them, they are so fun and cuddly! You visit, sometimes even babysit and the kids say cute things like "See ya A-marrow" and "Sorry Dave" to their dads. You tickle them and cuddle them and they are always so eager to see you each and every time... and as much as we have the same kinds of blasts (like when mommy showed Zech how he can recreate the "Jordan" scene from Cars, and he looks at her with the most wonderful adoration) we have oh so much more!
We have puke stories, and poopy stories, and screaming fit stories!
You end up telling of events like these:
1) We head to Olive Garden for a lovely b-day dinner. Mommy takes her 2 year old out of the carseat, gets the other baby in hers, and juggles an umbrella being sure that no one gets wet. When all of a sudden the 2 year old begins to gag inevitably leading to a big vomit. She leans her baby over only to have him vomit, upchuck, hurl into the baby babys carseat. Baby baby laughs! Mommy crouches down, and aids son in vomited on the asphalt... never letting one raindrop fall on either kid.
they get in the car to head back home trying to secure a box for any additional tossing of cookies. It doesn't work... the carseat is soiled!
2) You wake up with the twisting and turning of your upset stomach. Your loving husband has meetings all day, he can't help... you vomit anyway... and STILL take care of your babies! You give in to their every desire just so you can sleep, vomit, and rush to the bathroom for those unpleasant surprises in peace. You still have to change diapers, fix meals, and feed bottles, the title of Mom never goes away!
3) The first boy who was better, gets sick again... this time in your lap. Thats actually your desire so you don't have carpets to clean.
4) Immediately following the deep sigh of relief that all sickness is gone from the 2 year old and the baby, your tiny fragile baby baby throws up as you lay her down. This time its more than just spit up and her face is red from pushing it all out. You are heart broken. You can't leave her, she is sick! You can't sleep at night for fear she might not wake you when she pukes again (which she doesn't and you find her sleeping so sweetly in a bed full of up-chuck!... its in her ears!!!) So you stay up all night just to be sure you hear her coughs, cries, or little gags.
5)All seems well, and its your big mommy day. The day that makes it great to be a mom. You get to go to play group and compare your kid to all other kids and marvel in the fact that yours is the cutest and by far the smartest! You smile as your son says most of his alphabet then ends with the most adorable "Now I know my ABCs, Can't you sing with me!" You assume that since your first 4 hours of morning were bliss so will the rest of them... Then you head to the drs office. Your wonderful cute genius turns into a monster whose language is a high pitched squeal! You try to smile, I mean, this is YOUR child... the one you wanted so bad when you were 22! But nothing you do (or threaten to do) works! You just let him scream. Your baby baby is getting her shots (something you hate to be a part of... whose idea is it to have mommy hold the babies down!) while your 2 year old is screaming "OUCH" when he's not even the one getting the shot! He cries harder than the baby baby!
When you FINALLY get home to carry these sleeping beauties to bed, and get some alone time (ya know the time you wanted to give up when you were 22) you realize the 2 year old refuses his nap!
Ahh, and you wanted a baby!
And ya know what? yeah, I did! and I love them... bad days and all! And it gets to where days aren't quite as bad as they seem... its just one more knotch to put on your belt! But, if you can... wait a few years... you'll like when you were 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 without kids! Maybe not as much as when you have them... but you'll like them!
I say this is to Rachel, even though I don't think she reads it... but to anyone that is like Rachel (or Ra-Jigga, as said in our house) This is for them!
You say at age 22 that you want a baby. They are so fun and cuddly... because when you see them, they are so fun and cuddly! You visit, sometimes even babysit and the kids say cute things like "See ya A-marrow" and "Sorry Dave" to their dads. You tickle them and cuddle them and they are always so eager to see you each and every time... and as much as we have the same kinds of blasts (like when mommy showed Zech how he can recreate the "Jordan" scene from Cars, and he looks at her with the most wonderful adoration) we have oh so much more!
We have puke stories, and poopy stories, and screaming fit stories!
You end up telling of events like these:
1) We head to Olive Garden for a lovely b-day dinner. Mommy takes her 2 year old out of the carseat, gets the other baby in hers, and juggles an umbrella being sure that no one gets wet. When all of a sudden the 2 year old begins to gag inevitably leading to a big vomit. She leans her baby over only to have him vomit, upchuck, hurl into the baby babys carseat. Baby baby laughs! Mommy crouches down, and aids son in vomited on the asphalt... never letting one raindrop fall on either kid.
they get in the car to head back home trying to secure a box for any additional tossing of cookies. It doesn't work... the carseat is soiled!
2) You wake up with the twisting and turning of your upset stomach. Your loving husband has meetings all day, he can't help... you vomit anyway... and STILL take care of your babies! You give in to their every desire just so you can sleep, vomit, and rush to the bathroom for those unpleasant surprises in peace. You still have to change diapers, fix meals, and feed bottles, the title of Mom never goes away!
3) The first boy who was better, gets sick again... this time in your lap. Thats actually your desire so you don't have carpets to clean.
4) Immediately following the deep sigh of relief that all sickness is gone from the 2 year old and the baby, your tiny fragile baby baby throws up as you lay her down. This time its more than just spit up and her face is red from pushing it all out. You are heart broken. You can't leave her, she is sick! You can't sleep at night for fear she might not wake you when she pukes again (which she doesn't and you find her sleeping so sweetly in a bed full of up-chuck!... its in her ears!!!) So you stay up all night just to be sure you hear her coughs, cries, or little gags.
5)All seems well, and its your big mommy day. The day that makes it great to be a mom. You get to go to play group and compare your kid to all other kids and marvel in the fact that yours is the cutest and by far the smartest! You smile as your son says most of his alphabet then ends with the most adorable "Now I know my ABCs, Can't you sing with me!" You assume that since your first 4 hours of morning were bliss so will the rest of them... Then you head to the drs office. Your wonderful cute genius turns into a monster whose language is a high pitched squeal! You try to smile, I mean, this is YOUR child... the one you wanted so bad when you were 22! But nothing you do (or threaten to do) works! You just let him scream. Your baby baby is getting her shots (something you hate to be a part of... whose idea is it to have mommy hold the babies down!) while your 2 year old is screaming "OUCH" when he's not even the one getting the shot! He cries harder than the baby baby!
When you FINALLY get home to carry these sleeping beauties to bed, and get some alone time (ya know the time you wanted to give up when you were 22) you realize the 2 year old refuses his nap!
Ahh, and you wanted a baby!
And ya know what? yeah, I did! and I love them... bad days and all! And it gets to where days aren't quite as bad as they seem... its just one more knotch to put on your belt! But, if you can... wait a few years... you'll like when you were 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 without kids! Maybe not as much as when you have them... but you'll like them!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Great Day!
My 3rd Mother's day was great! I received some frames to display the photography and the reason of the day (my kids). I asked for them! I got pancakes for breakfast and only one dirty diaper (from each kid)... out of MANY for the day. I even got Dave to do the dishes for me so that in the morning I have one less thing to do! He was a great husband today! We went to Dave's moms. A great mom her self... made everyone lunch even though it was her day too! And we had a fun relaxing time. I talked to my mom, we'll see her in about 16 days. It was good. I did forget my camera, but thats okay, it isn't actually a part of my body as I sometimes act like it is!
I am pleased... not disappointed! Dave did well!
My 3rd Mother's day was great! I received some frames to display the photography and the reason of the day (my kids). I asked for them! I got pancakes for breakfast and only one dirty diaper (from each kid)... out of MANY for the day. I even got Dave to do the dishes for me so that in the morning I have one less thing to do! He was a great husband today! We went to Dave's moms. A great mom her self... made everyone lunch even though it was her day too! And we had a fun relaxing time. I talked to my mom, we'll see her in about 16 days. It was good. I did forget my camera, but thats okay, it isn't actually a part of my body as I sometimes act like it is!
I am pleased... not disappointed! Dave did well!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Happy Mother's Day
It reminded me of the family I hope to raise! And I would love to look down from heaven and see my grand and great-grand kids on a church stage singing worship songs. People would tell me how adorable the kids were and then tell me I was a good mother. And I didn't do much "mothering" It felt odd, but great too! My son may run all over the church, but he calls church "Home". He knows thats a safe place that we learn about God. And for the most part he is nice and friendly to everyone. Lily is just a cute little peanut that melts anyone's heart... good mothering or not!
Then this week and weekend spending time with my kids truly uplifted me. I've created kids I actually like! he he... we stayed in a hotel last night and Zech couldn't sleep without Mommy. So although I got no sleep, his touch was so sweet. He had to lay on me, or be touching my head at all times. Hard to sleep, but a great feeling to be needed. I love how he holds hands when he knows he's been out of control yet still wants the privledge to walk, or how he hits me in the head and immediately says "sorry Mommy!" weird huh!
But although its not really nice to give a tribute to yourself, I just felt like my kids have given their mother's day gift... and I like it!
I know, this should be a tribute to my mom, but ya know, I am a mom, too... and not that I will give myself a tribute, I just want to talk about MY mother's day. My 3rd mother's day. 2 Kids now! I often times dread holidays just for me. I don't like being the center of attention (which is something I am noticing in Lily already) and I always feel like I hype them up in my own mind only to receive yet another dozen roses. (If my dear wonderful husband really ever reads this... I love roses, and I love you for thinking they are so gosh darn wonderful, but every occasion? Really? And I know I exaggerate, its not EVERY one, but I can skip a few years worth of them... and I truly love you anyway!!!) I try to drop hints like a nice new outfit (or the gift card to buy one), a pass to a great kids museum, or another great outing with my family, something to go with my photography love, and yet only one year did I get a great watch (granted its only been 2 other mother's days) he he!
So, I am not letting myself get hyped up this year. I know that a mother never really gets a day off, and that is what we signed up for when we decided to have those kids! So, I do not mind changing diapers or rocking them to sleep, or cleaning up after their messes, I really don't. And that is what made me start looking at the things that make me feel good as a mom. They may not come in a wonderfully wrapped gift, or a vase that lacks water, but they come in my children's unabashed love for me. Their need for me, their desire to hold my hand, caress my hair, and be held by the one and only ME!
I took my kids on a trip to Columbia a couple weeks ago. A week away without Daddy. And although I deeply need my husband, and would never diminish the wonderful things he does for us, I was empowered to know I took care of them all by myself. They were good kids. I got many compliments on how well I could handle my crazy son!
Then when we came back I jumped right back into my daily routine of cleaning, teaching, cleaning, cuddling, reading, cleaning, and running errands... and I liked it! I loved being with the kids and I really think they loved being with me. We laughed and played and worked on our alphabet (he knows the letter Z).
Last weekend was a sad and refreshing weekend. Dave's Granny passed away, and although I didn't meet the "real" her, I could imagine her beauty by seeing her children and grandchildren (who all sang on the stage afterwards... VERY COOL... I have pictures... untouched by photoshop mind you!)
This was a great fun for Nana... I know she loved watching all the grandkids together singing... OUT OF HYMNALS!!!
They all sang so beautifully and together as a family... I know its getting off my subject... hang in there!
Even though they couldn't all SEE the words, they sung them loudly.
It didn't take long before they all got giddy in their singing and "stage preformance"
Even Levi had fun jumping off the stage... check out that air!!
It reminded me of the family I hope to raise! And I would love to look down from heaven and see my grand and great-grand kids on a church stage singing worship songs. People would tell me how adorable the kids were and then tell me I was a good mother. And I didn't do much "mothering" It felt odd, but great too! My son may run all over the church, but he calls church "Home". He knows thats a safe place that we learn about God. And for the most part he is nice and friendly to everyone. Lily is just a cute little peanut that melts anyone's heart... good mothering or not!
Then this week and weekend spending time with my kids truly uplifted me. I've created kids I actually like! he he... we stayed in a hotel last night and Zech couldn't sleep without Mommy. So although I got no sleep, his touch was so sweet. He had to lay on me, or be touching my head at all times. Hard to sleep, but a great feeling to be needed. I love how he holds hands when he knows he's been out of control yet still wants the privledge to walk, or how he hits me in the head and immediately says "sorry Mommy!" weird huh!
But although its not really nice to give a tribute to yourself, I just felt like my kids have given their mother's day gift... and I like it!
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