Bad Mother!
I know that for the MOST part I do not consider myself a bad mother. I feel good about the fact that I make a conscious effort to be the best Mom I can on a daily basis... but it didn't work today! Without any excuses, I will not list what Zech did... it doesn't matter, I was NOT a good mom today. I hate yelling. I hate what my voice sounded like as I did it, and I hate that I failed in a split second. That I didn't take time to love on someone I love with every last fiber in my being! I hate that my anger was taken out on a tiny baby boy. I never spank in anger. I know that my hands can express the anger and could hurt him, so I have and will NEVER do it! But I have never heard myself as I did today. I have cried most of the day because of it.
I always say, "Lord, Just let the good things always make the few bad things in my parenting fade away." And I prayed that with all my heart today. Even when I stopped to pray and felt undercontrol, I lost it again. It is not who I want to be, or who I EVER want to become. My house should be a safe haven. That is what I have always felt God has called our house to be. To youth, to church members, to my husband, to my children. I can't imagine what he felt as I screamed at him. And it literally tears me up inside. I
I have asked forgiveness many times. And I know that some kids have it WAY worse. They are hit and kicked and abused. But I won't say "I only yelled" because in the standard God has put on me, I disobeyed! I did what I know God has called me to be above. I am not trying to be "holier than thou" I am just saying that I KNOW God has called me to be a mother who acts in the way HE wants me to act. And screaming at my kid is not one of them. These children are gifts from God, how dare I! And again, I ask forgiveness. I know He forgives, and I know from the great and wonderful hugs and kisses and fun we've had since, Zech forgives. But I have not let go yet. And maybe for a reason. Maybe God is allowing me to be sensitive so I will always remember THAT incident, the look on Zech's face, the tears on his shirt, the hug afterwards, so I will remember that they are babies. That deserve nothing but my love and guidance. And that it is my obligation to protect them from ever having to be yelled at by anyone, let alone me!
So, I appologize to God, and to my son! I will do my VERY hardest to NEVER do that again!
The Ciske Clan
God sure does know how to spoil me!
Three of my greatest blessings!
...even when they don't appear perfect!
About Me
- theciskekidsrblessings
- I am a SAHM who homeschools and loves being a mother of three wonderful kiddos. I have a son that is absolutely amazing, one daughter who is independent, super smart, and full of fun attitude, and another daughter who is as cute as a button, growing to be such a character... all three are EXTREME blessings, and pure joy to my life!! My Husband is everything I can ever imagine I needed, and most importantly wanted!
1 comment:
Sweet, sweet, Stevie. Do not be too hard on yourself. Being a Mom, as you already know, is not an easy choice. (I hate when people call it a "job".) As I was reading your words, I was flooded with memories of my own failings as a Mom. And I do mean FLOODED. No, you never forget. I caused my child to have fear and confusion. How could this person, who gave me food and tickles a minute ago, scream at me??? He does not understand. Neither did I. Neither did you. And, you are right, neither do a million other moms who do it everyday.
I know this may sound a bit "out there", a reality reach, if you will, but...it's days like that, an incident like that, that helps build your character...and his. You recognize what it was that you did...he doesn't, and he will not remember it today, his mind is still too small, and that is the blessing from God. Because a little baby's mind is a lot like that of Christ, I believe, until he is old enough to have an actual memory. Zech actually understands the sea of forgetfulness. Too bad we don't.
You are a wonderful Mom, I know I do not have to tell you that...but you most definately will make mistakes and you will most definately learn from them and you will most definately file them away, and you will most definately move on and still be a wonderful Mom!!!
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