GUILT

Why do moms always have to feel guilty... or maybe its just me! Why do I always have to feel guilty. This may go on for awhile. I haven't blogged in a long time!

About two weeks ago, I had asked my wonderful husband when he'd be home the next day. He gives me this "between 3 and 5" answer! What kind of answer is that. I can hear in his voice that he is peaved at the even mention of it. So I ask him why he's upset. He goes on to say a bunch of stuff that prompts me to remind him that when he works late, I work late. Then he says it... "But you get nap time!" Oh, it was gone. My "trying- to -say- everything- in- a -good -tone" moment was gone! I reminded him that nap time is cleaning time. And dinner preparation time, and that not always do both kids nap at the same time. And hold on... do you know what he said next (or sometime in the conversation)? "For someone who has her 'dream' job, you sure do complain all the time". I completely lost it. I wanted him hurt. I wanted to beat him up. I wanted him to leave, but still stay there to hear me scream at him! Zech is going through one of the roughest times and when I vent to my co-parent, I am labeled a complainer! We argued some and I said it'd be different if I had another parent working with me. I didn't mean it as mean as I am sure it came out (and I am sure at the moment I wanted it to sound mean). But as we semi-appologized I told him I didn't mean it completely. I meant that during the day I have to make decisions immediately... its MUCH different than his job... and its not just a job for me, these are MY kids, HIS kids! He says he didn't mean all the time...
Well, since then, I can't keep myself from feeling an intense guilt. I know that the argument is over, I have even talked to him a bit about it the other night. But if I am not cleaning or mothering, or doing something I feel like he is looking at me like I am a slacker. I asked him to clean the kitchen today and it took everything in me to lay on the couch and rest (I had cleaned the other rooms). I was so afraid he thought it was my job and that I was lazy.
So, I am dealing with that. the argument is over, I am not mad at him. I know it was a heated discussion that things were said out of anger, and that my "job" lasts MUCH longer than his 8 hours, and so be it. I am not complaining or comparing. But I feel guilty everytime I feel like I need a break.
So... I joined a gym. One hour a day away from the kids. I LOVE it! but of course, you guessed it. I am fighting my guilt for putting them in daycare for a measly one hour. I think of the time it takes out of our morning or afternoon and feel like I am cheating them... BUT I can reasonable remind myself that the hour a day helps with Lily's separation anxiety and Zech social skills. What a great thing I am giving to my children. So why feel guilty? I feel like I should rush through the workout so I can go get them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I won't do it. And I know I am irrational. So that's a good step, knowing a am completely insane!

So I pray... there is no room for guilt. I let God convict me and the guilt can go back to hell with its author!